In The Mind of a Leader

"The Cost of Living"

God, I hate having to wear these garments. Hopefully this'll be the last time for a while. At the least, it will be a long time before people have to wear this for my funeral....fortunatly, that's still within the realm of possibility.

Jack could stand to learn a lesson about how well we remember and take care of our own. So I head to the cell to invite him.

"I was hoping you might join me for a walk." His laughter is not what I was looking for. "What?"

"Well, you say that like...you're not going to just throw a bag over my head and drag me out of here if I say no." Of course there was a simple way to avoid that.

"Then don't say no. Why don't you put this on." I throw him the spare funeral clothes we had lying around. "I'll wait outside."

"Does it hurt?" Now what's he trying to get at?

"Your neck, does it hurt? Any numbness in your fingers and toes like pins and needles when your foot falls asleep, but permanent?"

This line of questioning is getting too dangerous for me...."Why are you asking me these questions, Jack?"

"Because, Ben, you have a tumor on your spine."

What the hell....

"An aggressive tumor...that...is going to kill you."

Just what did he do while he was in that room....?!

"I don't know when those x-rays were taken that I saw, but unless they were very recent...you're not going to be taking walks much longer."

I have to work harder than I ever have in my life to hide the feelings of anger, sadness, and pure frustration I have right now. Has he just ensured that I have less and less hope of coming out of this alive?

I can only try to keep this up for as long as I can.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Ok. My mistake then." It's clear how sarcastic he's being right now, as he finishes getting dressed. "I'm ready whenever you are."

When we get to the beach and Colleen's body, I order Jack to stay at a distance. As much as Jack may have damaged every one of my hopes, I still have to give her a proper farewell.

My statements are suitable enough to give her respect- I just wish I was able to give her my full attention as this point. Once the song plays in the background as we cast her out into the ocean forever, I head to find Juliet as soon as possible.

"Why did you show him my x-rays?" I know she couldn't have enough anger at me to do this....could she?

"I didn't tell him they were yours. But I guess you did."

I can't think straight enough to avoid letting her have the last word this time.

This was supposed to work!

It wasn't supposed to happen this way....he wasn't supposed to know about this until after he was on my side!

Now either he'll refuse to do it after we threaten him, or he'll do it and not be at his best. At his best, he's stubborn and moral enough to do anything to fix a patient, or people in general. If he's working on someone he still hates, he won't try his hardest. That may mean he'll make a mistake....or he might purposely hurt me to bargain his way out of here.

How can I trust him to save my life when all those things could still go wrong?

Now he's left me no choice but to try anyway.

I don't know how I can convince him to do it while he still hates me, but I have to grasp at all the straws I can.

I bring myself to start the next morning.

Juliet is there with him again, as if the plan is still going on. After I ask to cite "Doctor patient confidentiality" she leaves me with him.

"We had such a wonderful plan to break you, Jack. Wear you down till you were convinced we weren't your enemies. Get you to trust us. And then of course we'd lead you to believe that you were choosing to do...whatever we asked you to do. All of this of course assumed that you would get...invested."

"Invested in what?"

"Has it not occurred to you that Juliet bears a striking resemblance to your ex-wife?" It barely occured to me myself- his ex wife wasn't nearly up to Juliet's caliber. But like I said, I'm grasping at any possible straws imaginable, anything that could really get to the man.

"Why are you telling me this?" Apperantly that didn't work so well, as I almost expected. So I just come out with my annoyance.

"I'm telling you this, Jack, because my wonderful plan...got shot to sunshine when you saw my damned x-rays and figured out I was dying."

"All of this...you brought me here to operate on you. You...you want me to save your life."

"No, I want you to want to save my life!"

But that's not going to happen now. I have no choice left but to just risk it and hope for the best. No plans are getting me out of this one. I'm just gonna have to hope he's as much of a good guy as he's been hyped to be, and trust him not to be underhanded.

"But we're beyond that now, so...all I can ask is that you think about it." I'm going to have to give him some time before I come back. But I want to leave with at least one more thing he can think about.

"Do you believe in God, Jack?" Knowing full well about his hatred of John's faith, that may or may not be the case. But better to risk it in case that results in something.

"Do you?" So I decide to tell him the one thing that has filled me with hope all this time.

"Two days after I found out I had a fatal tumor on my spine...a spinal surgeon fell out of the sky. And if that's not proof of God, I don't know what is."

If He still has another helping hand left for me, now would be the right time to show it....

"Not in Portland"

"Is it true?"

Tom?

"Is what true?"

Jack?

Where am I?

Is this....still the ER?

And I'm staring down at the floor just as I was when I went under...

"What you said. Did Juliet really ask you to kill him?"

.....what?

"Yeah."

Oh....oh God...that shouldn't make so much sense, but...considering everything...maybe it does...

"And in about 40 minutes, she's gonna get her wish."

She loves her sister so much that she'd kill me for her? After everything I've given her?! I never thought she was that far gone...

....well, I don't know how I can hear all this, but it appears I only have 40 minutes to fill in the rest.

"Hey..."

I can barely move my mouth right now, but it's enough to get Tom and Jack's attention.

"That's...not...helping. Anything."

There's only a few things that can help me now....including the person that wanted me dead.

"Now. Could somebody...please get Juliet?"

As Tom goes to get her, Jack explains what I didn't already figure out. Cutting into my kidneys so Kate and James could escape....fiendishly clever. I should have known he'd know how to do that....and that's exactly why he needed to be one of us first. So he'd care about me enough not to do something like this. That's what this whole kidnapping plan was designed to eliminate, that very possibility.

And now, I let my hopes for being saved cloud my judgement too much.

I suspected Jack could be capable of that...but Juliet...

...if she really told him he didn't have to save my life, and she would protect him..

Jack is therefore just as gullible as I was.

Maybe she never cared for this island, or any of us, or me as much as I wanted her too...and perhaps she never will.

I was so worried about Jack that I never believed she would be so callous with my life...no matter how many fights or disagreements we may have had, I never thought she could be capable of this. None of us did...her files said she never had one violent incident before she came here.

And now she has me on the ropes, at her mercy with her proxy, Jack...

Even now, a part of me admires how she did this, along with the part of me filled with betrayal and anger.

According to Jack, I only have 27 minutes left. So fighting with her and him isn't going to get me out of this.

It appears there's only one thing I can do.

She got me, all right.

Now I have to give her what she wants the most...or at least think she's got it.

It's the only way, and after this, I really shouldn't be so upset about it...letting her go.

Whether I can really do that or not is something I'll have to consider later...for now, I just have to convince her I'll do it, get her to make Jack save me, and when it's done, I'll think of what to do next.

But aside from that....she's truly defeated me.

For now....

"I'd like to speak to Juliet alone please, Jack." I ask when I see Tom come in with her.

"No...no, I'm sorry."

"Please, I'm asking you. One gentleman to another. Won't hurt you to give me 3 minutes, will it? Knowing I have only have 27 left?" It's still a bit hard to get these words out, but I'll only need to do so for a few more minutes.

After Jack warns Juliet[perhaps wisely]not to touch me, they leave us alone.

And with that, I tell her everything she's wanted to hear for a long time.

That she can finally go home, that she never has to see me again, that she has to leave the best possible home she could ever have, that she has to leave us behind and no longer care about the people that have taken such care of her....it is quite distasteful, but I force myself to do it and sound sincere.

She cries, probably not because she feels guilty about doing this to me.

I should make her cry as much as possible for this....but there's still that part of me that wishes I didn't have to do that. Jack probably can't cut that away.

And even if the orders come through and Jack does what I tell Juliet to make him do....my earlier prediction was right. Nothing will ever be the same.

I tell her to go and I barely bother to look at her as she leaves my sight for what may be the last time, if Jack isn't good enough.

Jack...did he have something to do with turning her? I never did bother to hear a lot of what they were really talking about.

But I have to worry about that later, not now. Jack comes back inside, and looks ready to put me under again.

Once more I count down before I lose consciousness.

This time, I am not calm when doing it.

This time, I have such a mix of regret and vengefulness in me...

Juliet...what did I do to create this kind of monster in you?

What did you do to yourself to let it grow...

What did he do....

"Stranger in a Strange Land"

Lying here all day is starting to get very old, but that's all I've been able to do since the surgery. They said Jack fixed me, but I don't call not being able to move my legs or toes the kind of fixing I wanted. I don't even know if he'll bother to show up again to check on me. All I know is I still don't feel well, Isabel has begun trying Juliet for her attempt on my life and how she got to kill Danny instead- so that's making me feel worse emotionally.

They'll kill her, no question about that. Days ago I never would have allowed it- but if she would allow it for me, why should I still give her that protection?

I wish something would come along to make me feel more comfortable about not giving it.

Ah well, I might as well relax and let Ivan inject me with the latest sample.

"I wouldn't do that!"

So....he has bothered to come back and see his handiwork.

"The cavalry has arrived at last." At least I still have my sense of humor through all this. He signals Ivan away and looks at me.

"I'd be much more impressed with you people if you had a good surgeon."

Of course...I'm more fragile than ever, and he takes the time to remind me of a dead friend. Smooth way to do a conversation, really.

"We had an excellent surgeon, Jack. His name was Ethan." Not expecting him to comment on that and his role in what happened to him, I just let him examine me more.

"You've got a very serious infection, Ben. That infected tissue needs to be reincised, debreeded, and you need to be very closely monitored from here on out. There might be nerve damage or any number of other complications. You might not walk again."

I wish I could say this surprises me, but so many unpleasent events have been happening this week, I'm almost numb to it now.

"Your bedside manner leaves something to be desired, Jack." which I know many people have told him before, to no real effect.

"Well, then it's too bad you're stuck with me." Stuck....let's see where this is going. "Am I?"

"You need a doctor, Ben, someone to stay with you... bring you back to good health."

Of course...I wonder why he's suddenly thought to be caring towards me now? So it appears I've staved off death just to be in a wheelchair forever, like John thought he would be....and to be subject to the same old blackmail Jack did to me when this all started.

"And here we go again...." I say, wishing I could shake my head at that without feeling more pain. "I've already given you a ticket off this island, Jack. What's it going to cost me this time?"

"Right now, you're people are in a room deciding whether or not to execute Juliet. You're going to stop it."

Even after all this, he actually cares enough about her to keep her alive. Is he trying to show me up or something. To point out how I, who knows her better than anyone in the world, should want to let her live, given that someone who knew her for days wants to?

He is a smart man sometimes, I'll give him that.

But still, to let her remain unpunished for all she did to me, for killing Danny, and all that her actions could have done to hurt the stability of our community? If Jack really wants to save her, he'll have to give a better answer as to why.

"Juliet doesn't care about you, Jack. It doesn't matter what she's done. No matter what you think... she's one of us."

Does she really deserve a second chance to prove it?

Then again, with what she forced me to promise at the ER, it may not make a difference any longer....

"Do we have a deal or not?"

With as much brain power as I still have left, I make the decision.

If only out of appreciation for what we did have before, I'll let her live....but fortunatly, there is a less severe way to make her remember what she did to us.

"Does Isabel have a walkie?" Alex answers that they're in a meeting- to think in all this, I forgot she was here until now. I hope the damn drugs aren't doing anything to my memory.

I ask for something to write on, and I write down my orders to Isabel. After that, Jack and Alex leave to have it carried out. Hopefully Jack is in too much of a hurry to read about how she'll be marked.

I lie down, the only thing I can still do. So Juliet will stay among us for a while longer....now the only question is, do I want her to stay because I still care for her, or because allowing her and Jack to leave as I promised will destroy my credibility?

Fortunatly, we're going home soon, so I hopefully have enough time to think of something. If I can pull out miraculous ideas and strategies on the brink of death, I can certainly do it without the ability to walk...

....at least, that's how it had better work, for my sake and stability....

"The Man from Tallahassee"

I've been getting used to being paralyzed and using this chair for a few days now....but this is the first time I've ever felt this physically sick.

Jack's just come back from playing catch with Tom, all smiles and grins. Of course that can't be genuine- he's obviously been trying to suck up to us since we got here, so I have more pressure on me to keep my word. The same goes for Juliet as well- they've really outdone even me in this kind of thing.

So I smile, shake his hand, and perform the same kind of lies and happy facade that they've been doing. It's all I can do to not throw up, to be extra graphic about it.

A week and I still can't find any ways around it. It keeps coming back to the same realities- I let them go as I promised, and I will have lost. I'll have been humilated and blackmailed into giving up two of the most important people here. How many will watch that, see that all they have to do is threaten me and endanger my life to get what they want, and take action against me? As much as people do listen to me- there's always the chance some of them are putting on happy facades to hide their disgust as well. This kind of degredation could be the pretext they need to let it go public- and with me in this damn chair, they'd have a much easier time of it too. It could mean the end of me.

But if I go back on my word, by either telling them they can't go or inprison them, or worse, to keep them here- that hurts me too. It will destroy my credibility with the people that truly follow me, that know me to be a man of my word, which I've always tried to be. I pride myself on being honest, direct, and loyal to everyone that deserves it. If they see me break my promises to people that now appear to be loyal and friendly, the moderates and people on my side will have far less trust in me. And if something else was to go wrong, I'd need those people more than ever. I break my word and make them think I'm not a honest man, then I'm just as easily finished that way too.

I'm in grave danger either way...and there's simply no way out of it.

That frustration somewhat makes me want to carry out the "lie to them and force them to stay" route anyway, after what they've done to ruin me both physically and mentally. But that doesn't change the fact that I'd still just be hurting myself with that idea in the long run.

I just have to face facts- tomorrow they're leaving and I can't stop them. If only a miracle could happen to save me, as it has so many times before....but maybe there are only so many times I can cheat disaster before it finally comes.

I have no idea how I can sleep with all this, but I might as well at least try.

After Alex helps me into bed, I have the lights turned out and try to sleep quickly. At least I'm safe in my dreams, where scheming people and the prospect of even more betrayal and rebellion can't hurt me....other than there....it's all gone straight to hell.

....wait.

What was that that just woke me?

Probably just Alex making noise, but best to make sure. I don't need any more new disturbances tonight, I am simply not in the mood for any more bad news.

I raise my bed up and call "Alex?" No answer, so it's probably time to turn on the light.

I do so, and hear the strange sound of footsteps...

....oh my God....

"John?"

I don't believe this....wait, he has a gun, so I probably shouldn't show much emotion just yet.

"Shh! Keep your voice down..."

How did he find us? Wait....it must be Kate. She obviously told them about what happened, whined about wanting to save Jack despite having chosen James earlier, and John must have used his famed tracking skills to find him for her. Even though he's hated him for some time....she can't be that good at convincing people.

But if he's here for Jack, I might as well play to that angle until I get more information.

"It's all right, John. You don't have to point the gun at me. I can tell you where Jack is."

"I'm not looking for Jack."

Oh, so it's not that, then....but what else could it be? And it still doesn't explain how he knew to find us here.

"I'm looking for the submarine."

Now I'm officially curious.

"Where is it?"

I don't know how much he knows, or found out- there's no way Kate or James knew about the submarine. But I'd better play dumb until he tells me more. "I'm not sure what you mean, John. What submarine?"

"The one you use to travel to and from the island. The one your man Mikhail told me about...right before I killed him."

No....don't tell me they killed one of us yet again. But he mentioned Mikhail by name, he must have at least seen him....and the communication center.

What else does he now know?

"Dad? Who are you talking to?"

No, I can't let John involve her and make this even more complicated! "Alex, don't come in here!"

But it's too late, she's brought here in seconds. "Tell her to be quiet!"

"Alex, please!" I hope she at least puts her disgust at me aside for this.

John is clearly furious and determined- why would he get that way just by wanting to see the submarine? He knows what will happen if he ever leaves the island, or at least must fear it...

....wait a minute...

"Ben?! You awake?!" Tom....this would have been good timing about a minute ago.

John drags Alex into the closet, and I obviously know I can't tell Tom about what's going on, or he'll hurt her. I'm going to have to conceal that and let Tom come in and just tell me what else might be going on. Even John couldn't find us all by himself.

"It's Austin and Jarrah. They're here. Somehow they found us."

Of course it was those two..."Where are they now?"

"We captured them. We're holding them over at my place. Want me to help you get out there?" I have far too much to get out of John to do that- and at least I can keep Tom and Ryan and the guards distracted by focusing on our other visitors.

"No. Separate them. I want to know how they found us."

"What about Juliet and Shephard? Tomorrow in the morning..." I have enough to worry about now without that awful possibility....

...but then again...

"Let me worry about that. Just go." Hold on....maybe....if what I'm starting to think is true...

....I can hardly believe I stumbled on to this.

And now that John is here....I might finally be able to show him something I've wanted him to see for such a long time.

At the very least, I need him brought out and ready, in case I do have the opening to show him to John after all. Luckily, Richard is still here, he can arrange that easily.

"I want you to bring me the man from Tallahassee." Richard asks why, but I don't give away anything. Once he leaves, John returns with Alex.

"The man from Tallahassee? What is that...some kind of code?" Oh John....please tell me you're going to give me the chance to show you what it really means. But I can't do it just now, so I'll have to deflect him with sarcasm- that should make him focus on whatever else he's doing again.

"No John, unfortunately we don't have a code for "There's a man in my closet with a gun to my daughter's head". Although...we obviously should." Perfect.

"Sayid...he had a pack with him. I want her to retrieve it." A pack? That could mean anything....but I want to see where this is going. Still, maybe Alex isn't the best one for this.

"Okay...but you should know that my daughter currently hates me. So I'm not sure holding me hostage is your best option." But Alex surprises me by offering to do it. That could be too much of a problem later, but I'm still working this thing out myself. I'll deal with it later when I have a clearer picture.

John's seen Mikhail and possibly killed him...he knows about the communication center...and now he wants to see the submarine. But he can't possibly want to leave the island that badly- or at all, for that matter. And then he asks Alex to get a pack of Sayid's...

And if he was at the communication's center and hurt Mikhail that badly, he must have found out about how the anomily destroyed communication with the outside world...yet he says he wants to see the sub anyway...

And...there's still all the C4 in that place...

....oh my...

....of course...

....John....thank you....

You may be in the process of saving my life...

....now I just want him to confirm it. And then make absolutly sure he goes along with it. First I figure I need to get in the chair so I can follow him around.

"Would you mind helping me get into my chair? No tricks, I promise. I just want some dignity." And of course, I know what that should mean to him. "You of all people should understand what it means to want some dignity."

That seems to get through to him, though of course he likely has no idea what I really mean. Not yet. Now while he finds the chair, I can get him to confess. "So, tell me John. How do you expect to pilot our submarine? I mean, it's a complicated piece of machinery. You don't just press "Submerge".

"I'll figure something out. For all you know I was a Commander in the Navy." It certainly still hasn't gotten through to him that I know everything there is to know about him, and everyone else he's known for the last 3 months. That practically confirms what he's doing, but I want him to know I know.

"What's in the pack, John? If you met Mikhail that means you were in the communications station. Which means you found the explosives. So you're not planning to pilot the submarine anywhere, are you? You're planning to destroy it."

He doesn't even say a word or bother to deny. Just as I knew he wouldn't. He doesn't want even the slightest possibility of being found to happen. And only I know why. I've known ever since the first week he arrived at our home.

And now, I finally have a chance to share it with him. Just as I hoped I could have had at the hatch.

"I know you, John Locke."

"You don't.,..know me at all."

"I know you were born in California. I know you were raised in foster care. I know you wasted a big part of your life in Tustin, pushing papers at a company that manufactured industrial boxes. I know you spent the 4 years prior to your arrival on this island in a wheelchair.....and I know how you ended up in it."

"Tell me, John...did it hurt?"

His every facial movement tells me my answer. At least more so than his words. "I felt my back break. What do you think?"

After he puts me in the chair, I struggle to remember all the questions I wanted to ask him weeks ago. If all works as I think it might, I may have plently of time to ask him. But just in case, I want to get it out of the way now.

"It wasn't easy you know...being in that hatch with you all the time...knowing you had no business walking around...knowing I couldn't even ask you about it without telling you who I really was."

"So ask me now. Now that I know who you really are." At last...not only do I have a way out of my current mess, I can now find out clues as to why I was in my last one. If anyone knows why and how the island heals people that aren't me, it's John....I hope.

"Was it immediate? It started the moment you got here?" He confirmed yes. That's a start right there..."And you were just walking? The feeling returned right after the crash? That day?"

"That's what immediate means, Ben." I can see the wheels turning in him now. He's obviously figured out the meanings of these questions quite quickly. "You're wondering why it hasn't happened for you. You're not recovering as fast as you'd like. How long's it been since Jack fixed you? A week? Now that I think about it, how'd you get sick in the first place?"

This is nothing that hasn't consumed me already for the last 80 days. If John has no theories about it, then he can't help me out just yet. Fine, then. I'll just have to focus on making sure John is focused on his mission.

"Are you afraid it will go away, John? Is that why you want to destroy the submarine? Because you know if you ever leave this island you'll be back in the chair?"

He still looks like he doesn't want to answer me, even though I know exactly what the answers are. So he deflects the question by asking for something to eat. There's probably no harm in letting him have a snack, so I let him take me to the kitchen.

After I give a sarcastic comment about our electricity, and he starts to eat some of our leftover chicken, I think about what my next tactic should be. I have to make sure John doesn't have one second thought about destroying that sub...no matter how it might upset my people that there really would be no way out after this, it's better than the consequences I was thinking of before. Now the sub would be destroyed, they would stay, and everyone would know it wasn't my fault. He did it and I did everything I could to stop him. All I have to do is make sure I say the right things to try and stop him, but make sure it's not good enough to actually make him stop.

I decide mentioning my people's situation may be the best way to start.

"I know you think you need to do this, John, but if you blow up my submarine, I have a big problem with my people."

"Is that supposed to be an incentive not to blow it up?" I knew for a fact it wasn't before I started talking. So I continue on that exact route.

"I was born on this island. Not many of my people can say that. Most of them were recruited and brought here and as much as they love this place...as much as they would do anything to defend it...they need to know they can leave if they want to. The sub maintains that illusion."

"So you're lying to them." I'd rather that John not phrase it in those terms. I want to do this in a way that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and let him turn the tables on me. "No! They're here because they want to be here...some of them are just not ready to make a full...commitment yet."

Unlike John, of course....he's doing so much for me right now. So why not reward him by giving him a preview of what I may have in store for him later?

"But you John...you've already made that commitment. And now you have a choice...because if you stop and think, I can show you things. Things I know you want to see very badly."

How do I phrase this...well, I suppose there is one metaphor I can use that relates to John. And it's not entirely different from the truth. "Let me put it so you'll understand. Picture a box. You know something about boxes, don't you John? What if I told you that somewhere on this island there's a very large box...and whatever you imagined...whatever you wanted to be in it...when you opened that box, there it would be. What would you say about that, John?"

I'm almost too pleased with myself for thinking of that so quickly. Finally, I'm thinking off the top of my head like the old me. But John still isn't phased or impressed. "I'd say I hope that box is big enough to imagine yourself up a new submarine."

This should be good, since John continues to not be moved at all, like I wanted. Still, this is the most angry I've seen or heard him since that day he thought I didn't press the button. If I'm going to do this, I need to know everything that's troubling him, so there's no unpleasent surprises later. "Why are you so angry, John?"

"Because you're cheating." Well....that's something new. "You and your people. Communicate with the outside world whenever you want to you...you come and go as you please...you use electricity and running water and guns...you're a hypocrite...a Pharisee." He says this as if he wasn't the one consumed by technology and using a computer and a button down in that hatch. "You don't deserve to be on this island."

Now he's sounding a bit too much like the DHARMA workers for my tastes...

"If you had any idea what this place really was...you wouldn't be putting chicken in your refrigerator!"

I forget the plan for now and get genuinely upset at him for accusing me like that- Jack and his friends are supposed to be the arrogant ones looking down on people, not him. "You've been here 80 days, John. I've been here my entire life. So how is it you think you know this island better than I do?!"

"Because you're in the wheelchair and I'm not." It takes me a second, but I remember to bite my tounge and just drop the subject. We're just going around in circles now, and I've already made sure he's not backing down from destroying that sub enough.

Alex soon returns with the pack, and John wants her to take him to the sub. This is something I'd rather not risk- I can't let anything happen to her, and I should probably see for myself if he goes through with the plan. "John, she's done enough. Let me take you."

"I don't want you to slow me down." With that, I should probably just let him go and do it quick before anyone else sees him. But Alex is here...I may need her as a witness to confirm I did absolutly everything in my power to stop him, in case Jack or Juliet ask.

I may be taking a giant risk by saying what I'm about to say, but if John's really that obssesed with staying here and keeping his dad away, it shouldn't matter. It's not like he cares for Jack enough to sacrifice his deepest hopes for him, anyway.

"John, before you go you should know...Jack and I made a deal. In less than an hour he's leaving the island on that submarine and it's a one way ticket. The anomaly wiped out our communications. We have no way of contacting the outside world. Which means when that sub leaves, it can never come back. So whether you destroy the submarine or whether you let it go, the end result is the same. No one will find this island."

And like I expected, and hoped, he doesn't care one single bit. He's gone in an instant.

It worked....now I think I'd better clean up and start heading off, so I'm ready when we get John back here. Cooper should already be bound and gagged and ready to be put on display by now.

Then I hear Jack's voice, which probably isn't that big of a help. "Look I know you don't owe me anything, but I need to ask you for one last favor."

"You don't knock?", I ask. Hopefully this doesn't eliminate my ability to think quickly, in case he wants something that'll put a damper on things.

"I need you to let my friends go...after I'm gone." Hmm...I still haven't thought about what to do with them. But if he's that concerned, it could be a problem- he and Juliet have to see it when John destroys the sub. "And if I said no would that stop you from leaving?"

"Of course it would." Now he chooses to get noble. But...I suppose it really does no harm to say they're being let go. I myself don't know what we're doing to them yet, so it's not really a lie. It's just one possibility out of many.

"Your friends are only here to rescue you, but you seem to be doing a good job of rescuing yourself so...I suppose there's no reason to keep them here."

"Do I have your word on that?" That was a very tricky way to put it....but after John's finished, Jack won't care or remember one bit about this. So I can say whatever I want- it won't make one bit of difference to him in a moment.

"You have my word." I say as I shake his hand. "I'll let them go, just as soon as you've left the island."

This satisfies Jack, so that's good....and it looks like Juliet's okay too. "Well, I guess this is it."

For a moment I worry if John's actions could actually kill her. What if they get on the sub and John's just finishing up by then? Could this really be the last time I see her....

....no. Even John's not that far gone. Besides, I gave him enough of a head start that he'll be done very quickly. And when Juliet returns, all her anger will be at him and the others, not to me...me who tried to do everything possible to send her home, for once. When she realizes that, she'll be on my side again.

Though I shouldn't accept her being on my side again after what happened, I still smile at the thought. Even if things are still that damaged between us...she can still be very, very useful in other ways. She's still too valuable of an ally to discard that quickly...and there may yet be ways to prove that. But for now, I pretend as if it's the last time I'll ever see her.

"Thank you, Ben...for keeping your promise."

We share one last smile before I see them go completly out of sight. Knowing what is to come now, I decide I should spend my time preparing for the next step. I head for the building where John will be held after he's finished, to make sure Cooper is in the right position to see my surprise for him.

Once it is confirmed that John succeeded, he's brought over and tied to the pipe in the dark room. Then when Richard puts the finishing touches on Cooper, we head over to see John.

"Well, John, you've really gone and done it now." I say in the most obvious way possible.

"You don't have to pretend to be disappointed anymore. We both know you wanted it to happen. That's why you left the C4 in Sayid's bag because you wanted me to make it happen." And yet he still doesn't look guilty for it, or look like he feels stupid for falling for everything. He's not really mad at me for this, he's probably still feeling proud for ensuring his future on the island. But I still need to set him straight on the thing that made me mad. I order Richard to uncuff him and then I share what made me go to the brink of despair this afternoon.

"Do you remember earlier, John, when you called me a cheater...when you said I didn't deserve to live on this island? Well get this, there I was shaking hands with Jack and thinking I'd give almost anything to come up with a way to stop him from leaving...because to let him go would be a sign of weakness, of failure, of defeat. People would see that. They would know it. And that, John, would be the end of me. But to kill him...that would be cheating...because my people also heard me make a promise and to break my word...that would be the end of me too. And then...you came striding out of the jungle, John, to make my dream come true."

John continues to remain unfazed about everything I'm talking about- he's still so absorbed into making sure he'll never be found and ensuring Cooper won't find him that it's probably just going in one ear and out the other.

I almost feel cruel for what I'm going to do....but only for a minute. When it's over, he will thank me for it....and he may not be the only one.

"You're not gonna start talking about the magic box again are you?" I get almost right to the point in answering. "No John. I'm gonna show you what came out of it."

I wheel myself out of the room and Richard takes control of the chair as I set the stage. "When I asked you earlier if it hurt when you suffered your injury, I think you misunderstood me. Seems fairly obvious that when a person's back smashes into a hard surface after being thrown from a building, that that's gonna sting a little. But I really wasn't asking about the physical pain."

"What, you wanna know if it hurt my feelings?" And thus, we finally get to the upspoken truth of this entire ordeal. "No John. I wanted to know what it felt like when your own father tried to kill you."

Now John's really paying attention to me.

"He's the reason you destroyed the submarine, isn't he? You're afraid. You're afraid of him and this is the one place he can never find you. This is the one place he can never get to." John shows signs of crumbling, but I don't want him to feel that way just yet- I have more to elaborate on before the big reveal. "What do you want from me?"

"I don't know how it happened, but you seem to have some communion with this island, John, and that makes you very very important. You have no idea what you're talking about of course, but in time you'll have a better understanding of things. So what do I want? I want to help you, John."

"Why?" In no time at all, I recall his own words and use them against him. "Because I'm in a wheelchair, and you're not."

Enough drawing this out. It's time....

"Are you ready to see?"

Richard finishes off the suspense by opening the door. I watch John ever so closely as he looks to see it...and then it happens. The moment I've waited for weeks to have happen.

Hours ago, I was facing certain failure and the beginning of the end of my life. And now....now I'm here with John, I still have Jack and Juliet with me, they're now going to be on my side after everything that's happened, the rest of my people will be united against them and forget about questioning me. Plus, something I planned out moments before I first met John Locke has finally happened.

It may have taken weeks....but finally having him here, ready to help me with my crisis, seeing his father there, and knowing that he'll be ready to accept my help and let me solve his greatest fear after the shock dies down....it's all worth it anyway.

"Dad?"

With that, I have finally won- or gotten closer to it than ever before.

Not bad for a man about to lose everything hours ago.

"One of Us"

September 2001:

Well, this is it....the fate of our survival is in her hands now.

The home we fought so hard to keep means nothing if we can't pass it on to future generations. If we can't do that, this place will be dead in 50 years, and our struggles will have meant nothing.

That can all change with her.

My colleagues were quite skeptical about my choice. But after Mikhail gave me her name among the list of possible researchers for this task, and her files, I knew it had to be her. And when Richard confirmed her skills, it eliminated any doubt I could have had left. The others can't really be blamed for their questions....with so much at stake, they wanted to be extra sure she was the absolute best choice.

I don't know what it says about me that I didn't need that much convincing, though I'm responsible for everyone else.

I just know there's something there that wouldn't let me pick anyone else.

Ethan should probably have unhooked her from her bed by now, so she should be emerging from the sub soon enough. I stay at a distance on the dock until I can see her coming.

Soon enough, I see someone crawling out.

I put on my best smile as I walk to get a closer look.

....her pictures don't do her justice....

But I put those brief shallow thoughts behind me for the moment, and remember to stay professional. That's how she'll feel more at home.

"Hello Dr. Burke. My name is Benjamin Linus."

She looks curious and still a bit groggy from the trip. I suppose in that state, what her first impression of me and the island right now isn't too important. But I know she'll be impressed soon enough once we show her the facilities. I'll need to help her down first, though.

I can somehow feel that my smile's gotten bigger from shaking her hand, but I'm confident I still look normal. "I'm really looking forward to working with you. Watch your step here."

She gets onto the dock perfectly. For the first time, I almost feel a bit nervous in hoping my introduction of the island to her goes well....but only for a moment.
***********************************************
6 months later:

Goodwin's news about Sabine was bad enough, but how he made Juliet sound like was almost as bad. Let's hope he was exaggerating...she needs to be in good spirits to have the strength to continue.

But just in case, I take the necessary folder that I may need to show her.

She's still perfectly still on the rocks, despite the wind blowing her hair back so much. By now, I know almost exactly what she's thinking, considering how well I know her now and other factors. I make sure I have a good answer for each question she may have, then make my presence known.

"It was Sabine's choice to get pregnant. She knew she was taking a risk."

She's as I expected her to look, showing the same features that have always facinated me- her obvious sadness and compassion for the tragedy that happened, as well as that curious cryptic look mixed in. That tells me just how deep in thought she is. And that look is still too inpenetrable for me to figure out without her telling me her thoughts herself. It takes real skill to achieve that, as I know too well.

"I think it happens at conception. And if that's the case there's nothing I can do about it. At least not here." She's even cryptic with her words today- at least I hope she's trying to be cryptic, considering where that sentence could go. "I'm not sure I understand."

"The only way to see if I'm right is to take a woman off the island, back to Miami..."

"You're not taking anybody off the island." I say as forcefully as I can, to let her know I can not and will not budge on that point. That almost above all.

"In that case, there's nothing more I can do. I know you put a lot of faith in me, Ben. And I'm sorry I couldn't help you."

There's no hidden meaning behind that, she laid it all out on the line. I almost wish she didn't, but there it is. Luckly I had enough time to expect this, or else I would be a lot more upset.

"My sister's giving birth...in 3 months...and I haven't even been able to call her. It's time for me to go home."

She gets up, but I know exactly what to say to make her stop. I make a note to thank Mikhail later for having this for me so quickly. "Your sister won't be giving birth in 3 months, Juliet. She'll be dead before then. Her cancer is back."

That makes her stop instantly, of course. I get the folder out and let her look at it long enough to know I'm telling the truth. It takes almost no time for her to go back to a sad mode. "Where did you get this?"

"Mikhail. I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. I just didn't see what good it would do..."

The power of her protest almost takes me back, though I should have expected it. Still, it's a fury I never knew she had...or just hadn't discovered yet. "What good it would do?! I could have gone home! I could have been with her!"

"You still can. You can go home, Juliet. Be with her in her final days. Or you can stay here and help me with our problem."

"Why would I stay?" Now it's my turn to lay it out on the line.

"Because if you do, I will cure your sister's cancer." I don't expect this will win her over instantly, of course. She's too smart for that. "I'm supposed to take that on faith?"

"You've been here for 6 months. You've done extensive workups on all of us. Have you seen even a trace of cancer?"

"That's here! And being that you won't let me bring my sister here I'm going to need more..."

"Jacob said he would take care of it himself!" I know she knows that should be more than enough to prove it. "Unless, of course, you don't have faith in him." The stories the other recruits told her should have proven how indisputable that faith is. I can already see her accepting my offer then and there.

"Every woman on this island needs you. If you choose to stay...I promise you, we will save Rachel's life."

She doesn't need to say anymore, I know and have accepted her answer. Everything will go on as planned.

I just hope I don't have to dodge such a dangerous bullet like that again...if I wasn't so prepared, it could have been so much more nerve wracking.
*************************************************
2 1/2 years later:

How can someone so brilliant like a book that's so full of holes?

I wonder how King thought that some of these ideas were original. Anyone who would have sacrified whatever dramatic impact this story had for cheap gore and death at the end couldn't have been that concerned about it.

The things those outside world people can think of when they're that angry at life. And now it's gonna make tomorrow's book club discussion quite a chore to get through. Oh well, at least it's not the worst thing I'm concerned about this week.

Ah, the door. I can delay reading the rest of this matricidal death scene to see who could be visiting me.

Juliet....I'm surprised Goodwin could allow her to come by this early.

She asks to come in and of course I let her. I'm curious as to why a folder's in her hand, though. Well, maybe I can share some of my concern for the meeting while I can. "I was just finishing Carrie. Still don't know why you picked it, but boy is it depressing."

"You have a tumor."

.....she can't be cruel or stupid enough to be serious, or even genuinelly believe that's true.

....I just sent her to look at a back x-ray, for Heaven's sake.

"When you told me about your back pain I said that I would take some x-rays to see if it was a small fracture or a herniated disk...but that's not your problem."

What could she possibly think it could be then, there's nothing else I could have! This isn't funny enough for an early morning gag.

Wait....why does that x-ray look like it's backing up her claim?

"Your problem is a large tumor surrounding your L-4 vertebrae."

It looks real from that distance...it looks real up close...

....this couldn't have been tampered with, it looks too well for that...

....but the alternative is...

....no....that can't happen.

It can't happen!

We made sure it could never happen!

I didn't do anything to change that!

So what the blazes is going on here?!

Other than....I could be dying?

But...I can't. It's not possible. Not now. I...

"You're surprised."

I barely bring myself to look at her. What am I supposed to say to this out loud? What is there to say, period?

"Well, you just told me that I have cancer, Juliet, of course I'm surprised."

"No, I told you that you have a tumor."

I immediatly realize I should have said something better than that.

She knows I have cancer....and she knows how that shouldn't happen....which means she'll start to think...

....not now. I have to get away from here. She told me I could die, I can't face the obvious conclusion she could get from this! Not now, not while this news is still too horrific to come to terms with!

Water....water will help my nerves for a little bit, at least. A little bit is all the time I'll have to settle for.

"Why are you scared?"

Deny, deny, deny....do not give her a reason to snap, buy some time until she does. "I'm not scared."

"Why are you scared, Ben?" The water isn't nearly loud enough to drown my thoughts and her voice out at all. "You said no one on this island ever had cancer. You told me that."

As if you think I could possibly forget. Why the hell wouldn't that be first and foremost on my mind, just as it is for you? Great...now even my thoughts are jumbled and unprofessional. Try to calm down, at least while she's here. "I know what I told you, Juliet."

"You told me you could fix it! You said that! You said that you cured my sister!" And then the low blow.

"You lied to me!"

How dare she attack me like that in the state I'm in now....

"No I did not lie to you!"

"If you can cure cancer, Ben, then why do you have it?!"

....come on....there must be at least one theory that could fit....anything....think, damn you!

But there's nothing. There is no answer.

I can't do anything but bask in the fear of how I could have been singled out this way, after everything I did for this island.

But Juliet won't accept that for an answer. "I don't know..."

And immediatly I know that's not nearly good enough either.

She slaps my water away and I can't do anything but back away....the face I've thought of with such admiration has now turned into the most intimidating thing I've ever seen in my life.

"I want to talk to her. I want to talk to Rachel! I want to talk to her, now!" All I can do now is buy time...."It's not gonna happen, Juliet, but I can promise you that Rachel is fine."

"You never cured her!"

Now I'm upset with anger...she tells me I'm dying, and then she attacks my honesty? My very word as an honorable man?!

"I did!"

"You're a liar!"

Stop it, please..."No, Juliet!"

"You lied to me!!!!"

"I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH!!"

I don't know how I'm still able to stand...that almost took the last bit of energy I had left out of me. But she has to believe I'm not a liar...my life is in danger, at least give me one small positive thing.

"I gave you my word...."

I am now out of words...she cries on my shoulder, and I don't know what to do. What is there left to say now? What is there left to do?

"I want to go home....I want to go home, Ben. Please...can't you please just let me go home?"

I can't lose her now, of all times...but I can't stay and argue over this either. I don't have any strength left for it. "No."

I don't know where I'm going now...I barely remember that I need to make a note to call Richard lately. But I can't deal with this while hearing her awful sobs...

....at the least, things can be done to make her feel better. That's more than can be said about me right now.

What am I going to do?

If there is anything....
********************************************
One day later:

It's all set. Now if I can only find her, I can at least make Juliet feel better...get one thing out of the way at a time. I can do much better research of my own condition if I know she's all right, and she can look after me.

....wait....where did this earthquake come from?

Hold on, it can't be an earthquake, we don't have those here. It must be some other kind of giant commotion. What it could be, I can't imagine.

But I couldn't imagine cancer either, so I suppose anything goes now.

Everyone else is already outside....so's Juliet...at least I can see her, so I can get her to see me after we find out what this is. Suddenly, there's another noise, just as mysterious as before- until we see the plane.

So long since we've seen anything like that up close....they certainly didn't break apart like that back then.

It's a commercial plane, so there must be a lot of people. As destructive as it looks, there are obviously going to be at least some survivors....new people into our island.

I thought those days were over for good.

Cancer, an angry Juliet, and new people....who knows how many of them are bad?

But I know how to take care of that and know for sure. That much I know and will never forget this.

This, at least, I can fix.

But I'm gonna need people to watch them and see how they're like up close. Mikhail can get the details on paper, but it's another thing to see in person. It's time for the lists.

And I quickly figure out who the two best people are to make them.

"Goodwin!" He runs over, almost seeming to know where this is going. "You see where the tail landed?"

"Yeah. Probably in the water." I'll worry about explaining this to Juliet later. "You run, you can make that shore in an hour. Ethan!"

I've often worried about how well he can hold up to pressure, but his researching and spying skills overshadow that. We may need him in case any medical problems come out of this. "Get up there to that fuselage. There may actually be survivors...and you're one of them. You're a passenger. You're in shock. Come up with an adequate story if they ask. Stay quiet if they don't. Listen, learn, and don't get involved. I want lists in 3 days. Go!"

It comes like clockwork. Even after years of not having to do this, I know just how to ensure our island will be safe from outsiders. No matter how things may have turned upside down, this much will always stay the same.

Now I have another reason to see Mikhail this morning...along with the first one. I'd better see her now while I can...and then I see that book. It's obvious what message that send and what she was excluding me from this morning. "So I guess I'm out of the book club."

She doesn't even seem willing to dignify that with a response. She just turns away, and I know I have to act fast. "Juliet? Juliet!" Perhaps I'm lucky that she brought herself to face me. "I was looking for you this morning. You and I need to talk."

"Now?" She's still in shock, having been inexperienced at this sort of thing. "We have some time. It's important. Take a walk with me." Again, luck somehow arrives today where it didn't yesterday, and she follows.

Naturally, Mikhail doesn't have his walkie on, so I'm going to need to scream our arrival and hope for the best. "Mikhail! It's Ben! I'm here with Juliet! We're approaching the house! Don't shoot us..." I know better than to take chances with that again. But he lets us in, so that's one less thing to be concerned over.

"Did you see it?" he asks as if there could possibly be any doubt. "A plane fell out of the sky, Mikhail...of course we saw it."

I hope he has at least one thing for us to go on, we need to know as much as we can ourselves before Ethan and Goodwin's lists come in. We should know what to expect before then. "What do you have so far?"

"Oceanic Flight 815. Left Sydney, Australia, headed for Los Angeles, 324 people on board including the flight crew." 324....the number of survivors could be too much or very little. He has a very large task ahead of him, we'll need to know every single person until the lists tell us who survived.

"I want detailed files on every single passenger." Thankfully he's gotten started, so he has time to help me with the next important task. "Can we uplink to Richard in Acadia Park please?"

I turn to Juliet, wondering if she's already hoping to leave and get away from me. But now, she's going to know how wrong she was. She's going to know I'm an honest man, and I don't deserve this....unusual affliction.

"Yesterday, you called me a liar. I was hurt by that." She's not going to say anything to that, so I just put on the headphones. "Hello Richard, can you hear me?" When he confirms it, I see the monitor is already set, with the newspaper showing just as it should.

"Notice today's date. This is live. Okay Richard!" And then she sees Rachel at long last, and Julian for the first time.

The look of joy on her face comes closer to making me smile than I would dare let on.

"A little over 2 years ago, to everyone's surprise, Rachel's cancer went into complete remission. Shortly after, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. His name is Julian."

I ignore the fact she's thinking more about them and how wrong she was to doubt my word. I did what I came here to do, and with this plane coming, I did it just in the nick of time. I'll need to call all the necessary people back to deal with this, including Richard. "Okay thank you, Richard. You'll wanna get back here as soon as you can. We may have some new visitors."

Her look of happiness almost immediatly dissolves the minute the monitor goes off. She then turns back to me, and now I can share out loud what I hope she now understands. "I'm not a liar, Juliet."

But of course, she doesn't bother to think about that for long. She again asks to go home, but she knows that's still not possible. And now it's even more important she stay- I may need her even more than ever if I have a new battle to fight for this island.

"You need to stay here until your work is finished."

"It's impossible. The mothers keep dying!"

"Then we'll find more mothers." And then the most promising thought I've had in days comes through- I voice it just before I leave her be.

"Who knows...maybe there's even one on that plane."
******************************************
Around 85 days later:

I don't know if she's still completly on my side, but I know she can still be trusted to at least carry this out. By the time I see her again, I should be prepared in case anything goes wrong on her end.

At the least, she looks intent enough as I give out the details. Now to make sure she remembers them.

"I drag Austen out into the jungle, handcuff myself to her, then tell her I was gassed, just like she was." Almost exactly like the way I said it, that's good. "And if she catches you in the lie?"

"I'll admit to it, tell her it was the only way to earn her trust." I doubt Kate will completly buy it, but she'll be too busy trying to find Jack by then. Then he'll make sure she doesn't carry out any more doubts. "Good, what then?"

"They'll take me back to the beach....I know you want me to go there, but after everything we've done to them...it's going to be a problem." A problem that's already all but taken care of.

"We've activated the implant in Claire. She should be symptomatic within the next 48 hours. By the time you get to that camp, you'll have a nice big crisis to solve." At least Ethan stuck to one part of the plan- or course he'd still be alive if it was more than one.

"I'll need supplies." That should be the least complicated part of the whole thing, if Pryce does his job. "Pryce is already on his way. He'll hide the case at Ethan's old drop point. Tell Jack that you can save her. He trusts you."

Somehow I know that would give her pause. The nagging suspicion that she's actually being won over by him returns. But even if that's true, I eliminated any bitterness she had towards me when I showed her I had nothing to do with John and the submarine. She should be set to do what we say again, considering what we're going to do. Still...

"Are you alright?" All she says is she's fine...unfortunatly, there's not much time to check closer. John is set to go, and we already have Cooper ready as well. This can't wait any longer.

If it works, everything will finally end well for us. And if Juliet does as well as I know she can, nothing they do can stop it.

I give her the gas mask and take one more look at her- but I'm confident it won't be the final one.

"See you in a week."

That I will. And when I do...it will all be over.
*********************************************
That is the final chapter in the story, at least until the next Ben apperance. When that happens, I will make up his p.o.v from the episode as soon as possible, and do so for each episode he appears in afterwards.
In the meantime, I will go ahead with planning to make a similar story, exploring Juliet's p.o.v from each of the episodes she's been in. But that may be more problematic- the more we learn about her could contradict some things in the future. If I had written her p.o.v in "Left Behind" before One of Us aired, I'd have gone with the notion that the Others really did leave her behind, and then that would have been completly contradicted the next week and leave me in a jam. Future episodes could also contradict other things I write about her later. But I'll try to work that out when it happens.

Now that Ben's back[and that losthatch.com has the transcript up]I can interpret "The Brig" for Ben as best as I can with the information we were given.
***************************************************
"The Brig"

"Dad?"

With John's discovery, I have finally won- or have gotten closer to it than ever before.

But there's no sense getting ahead of myself. So much more still has to happen for it to be official. John still has so much to do. I only hope he, or that blasted father of his, doesn't make it too hard.

"What is this?" John asks.

"You tell me. You brought him here." is all I can really say right now- he's still not at the point where I can say everything. "I didn't bring him here." he says far too close to Cooper.

"I'd be careful about getting to close to him, John." Knowing that man, and knowing what our drugs probably did too him, he really wouldn't be very stable at the moment. John's probably been through enough for one night, and so have I, really. At this point, I just want to show Cooper, get John to come with us, and get ready to leave. Juliet should be back by now, and I need to go over the new plan with her again soon.

"Where did you find him? Wha...Why did you bring him here?" I keep sidestepping his questions, as I'm supposed to. "I've already said we didn't."

"You want me to ask him how he got here?" If that will distract him from his line of questions, it's probably worth the risk. "Be my guest."

John goes to the gag- and fortunatly Tom is quick with the tazer so Cooper gets his teeth off him in a hurry. The man is lucky to still be alive, and he responds by biting his son...if it was anyone else, this vileness would be a shock.

"I warned you, John." is all I really have to say.

"Don't you know, John? Don't you know where we are?" We don't have time for his illogical theories now...luckly Tom acts fast again and shuts the door.

"What did he mean?"

"I'm afraid we don't have time to deal with that right now, John. We're leaving first thing in the morning, all of us." This next step should be the easiest part of the whole process, by far. "Where are you going?"

"We're going to a new place. Well, an old place actually. Would you like to come with us?"

I know there's no way he'll let himself say no now, so there's no real suspense in waiting for his answer. I thought he'd say yes a second or two sooner, but I don't care.

His confirmation is all I need to hear, and to be pleased about.

"Good. We're holding Kate a few buildings over from here. Maybe you'd like to say goodbye."

I roll off to being packing up and to confirm things with Juliet....and ignore what almost felt like an actual feeling in my leg for a moment just now.
*********************************************
5 days later...

"Ben, it's 6 A.M. on Saturday morning. Kwon is pregnant. The fetus is healthy and was conceived on island with her husband. He was sterile before they got here."

Perfect...that's one stage going exactly as I wanted. I hear John coming, so it's time to move the next stage ahead. "Hello John. Thanks for coming."

"What's that?" He points at the tape recorder- on this matter, there's no need to keep secrets. "Juliet is gathering information for us at your former camp. She's determining if any of the women are pregnant. Then we're gonna go in and...take them."

"Take them?" I have no idea how much of him still cares for those people. He destroyed the sub and made it clear he cares more for his own destiny than theirs, so it's not much. At least he's at the right stage to be ready for what's to come.

"This is not the first time we've done this, John. Trust me, no one will get hurt."

I shrug this aside and motion to the cane, wanting to show him just what I'm able to do now. "Could you pass me that please?" He does so, and I stand- just like the last day or two, not one bit of pain or paralysis in them now. They're not strong enough yet, but that will come soon, and just in time for what's to come.

"I believe I have you to thank for this, John." As he questions this, I put the tape recorder away in full view of him, then go on with my eagerness.

"A week ago, I couldn't move my toes, but the minute you showed up, I started to feel pins and needles." I put on what probably looks like a giddy smile to John, and in all honesty, that's what it might be. "And this is only the beginning, John. I can't wait to show you what this island can do."

It's hard for me not to be a little excited. All it will take is just a few more steps, and everything I've fought for and given so much for all these years will be accomplished. And I will have completed the journey of someone who really should be right by my side when it happens.

But there is that one pesky step left for him to take before those glorious moments. "But unfortunately you're not ready, John."

"Well...no, I'm ready."

"No John, you're not. You're still crippled by the memories of the man you used to be before you came to this island. And you'll never be free until you release the hold that your father has over you. Why do you think you brought him here?"

"Oh, oh, oh, the magic box. Okay, Ben, how about you show me the magic..." My God, you use a box as a metaphor one time and you never hear the end of it...

"The magic box is a metaphor, John. I can't show you anything until you can show me that you're ready and willing to be one of us. When people join us here on this island, they need to make a gesture of free will...of commitment." An all too familar ritual that, for all that it entails, really is nessecary...it's only fair that John has to go through it too, and he will be thankful for it. I will see to it that he is after it's done.

"That's why you're gonna have to kill your father."

He remains tied up, in that pathetic position with his pathetic theories...but not much longer now.
******************************************
That night...

"Wake up, John. It's time."

I can't wait any longer. With the limited time we have to work with as it is, and all we have to accomplish, curing John is such a small thing to worry about by comparision. Yet it is so important...so best to do it now.

When we get to the piller, I take out the knife I took with me just for the occasion- he should be more comfortable using his favorite weapon. Any other man wouldn't need to feel comfortable period, he'd just do it now and not feel any guilt, father or not.

The island has survived because bad people like "Cooper" need to go. It survives because people like us are good, and because people like us know what must be done to keep this island pure, and how demons like him cannot stand in the way. John is one of us...he is one of us in ways that not even our greatest recruits are. He is so close to forfilling his destiny...so close to being the final piece in the puzzle of our survival.

Just this one kill is left, and then so much good will come for him, and us. He must be made to see this, if he doesn't know already.

"I know it won't be easy, but the quicker the better." I shouldn't let Cooper be allowed to speak, but I need to show some mercy. At least give him the barely earned decency to say some last words.

"You're kidding me, right? You expect him to kill me?" John would have made it so perfect if he did it then, but he just stays there. He will need that last bit of persuasion after all.

"John, the hesitation that you're feeling is just the part of you that still feels like he has a perfectly good explanation for stealing your kidney...throwing you out of an 8 story window." I lean in closer, desperatly hoping to drive this point in enough that it'll end this fast, and we can move on to better things. "Don't you want to be free from him?"

"The hesitation he's feeling is because he is a spineless..." Of all the choice of words from that man....

"Shut up!" Why didn't that make John do it? My people are watching now, I can sense that. They don't matter at the moment.

"I gotta think..." No John, this is the only time where thinking is not important. "Don't think, John."

"You're wasting your time, bug eye." How original. "Me and him have been through all this. All he wants is his daddy..."

"Shut up! I said shut up!" Then shut him up, John! Save yourself, please!

"You really haven't figured it out yet have you?" I am not letting John let that man continue his delusions any longer...it sickens me that he can still breathe, after everything he's done.

"Let go of him, John."

"Why are you doing this to me?" That's it....I have to use the most hurtful thing I can think of to finally finish this.

"You're doing this to yourself. As long as he's still breathing, you'll still be that same sad, pathetic little man that was kicked off his walkabout tour because you couldn't walk."

That's better....the knife should be farther in his chin, but he gets the idea now.

Thoughts of what will now be allowed to happen outweight the actual distaste of seeing someone die...as do thoughts of the past as well.

But John should be finished by now...

Why is that look of hesistation back?

John, get on with it!

.....after all this, he's not doing it. He turns down the gifts of the island for that monster....

He turns down helping us secure my people's future for him...

"I'll be here the rest of the week, John, if you change your mind."

At this point, the last thing I want to hear now is that man's voice. My cane fixes that for now.

John doesn't even bother to look sorry. Knowing he's not gonna use it now, I take back the knife. My people look almost as confused too...they may have overestimated John as well.

"I'm sorry. He's not who we thought he was."

John just slinks away, embarassed and probably realizing by now what he gave up. And he probably won't be quick to do it even then.

I need another way to do this, but I barely have time...why do I need to think on my feet again, when this is something that really shouldn't be that hard? Even the easiest things are never easy around here...
**********************************************
Two days later...

The latest move goes quicker than I thought, which is something to salvage from this. I hear John coming again. At least I know this approach will probably have better results. "Ben. What's going on?"

"We're moving."

"Moving? Where are we going?" If I didn't have as much respect for him, I'd almost find his tone pathetic- almost.

"We are not moving anywhere, John. You are going to stay behind. You both are going to stay behind." Now let's see how much of a wakeup call this is to him.

"What? You're not taking him?"

"He's your mess, John. Why would we clean it up?" I stroll away a bit faster, to see how urgent this makes him.

"Ben, if you're trying to put me in my place or embarrass me..." Ah, I figured that would be coming as an accusation. "Where would you get a ridiculous idea like that?"

"Well, you can't leave me. After everything you can't just..." I can't resist what I'm going to say next- I'm only human, so why would I?

"Don't tell me what I can't do, John...." If that isn't enough to guilt him...

"But I thought I was...special." He's lived with that whole rollercoaster all his life, he can survive at least a couple more days before he's ready to get things done.

"Well, everyone makes mistakes. We're leaving now. We'll leave a trail, one you can track. And John, unless you're carrying your fathers body on your back...don't bother."

John will likely just stay standing until me and my people are out of sight. That should be long enough for him to remember what he's missing.

By all accounts, we can spare him at least a couple days to finish it. If he's not back by then, we'll know what his choice is. If he is, then all will go on without a problem.

Jacob will understand either way....hopefully.

There's another element I'm both anxious and uneasy to have proceed right away...but proceed it will, and hopefully in the right way.

The Man Behind the Curtain, part 1- flashbacks

"Namaste!"

I read that on the big sign, and that's what everyone's telling me and Dad. No idea what that means. Even if that submarine ride wasn't so bumpy.

Dad actually calls the next person who says it Mr Goodspeed. I heard him say that name a few times before we left our old house. Now this- whatever this island place is- is our home.

"Mr. Goodspeed was there the day you were born." From what I know about that day, I don't really wanna know that.

"He's doing us a big favour here. Gave your old man a job." I have no idea what his job is and what he's working for- so I'd rather reserve my judgement about this. "Ah, he don't say much."

"That's OK. I bet he will when he has something to say, right Ben?" Until then, then....Horace.

Dad takes me to a big room, where we have to watch a video about this new project of his. There's this scientist talking about a big fence and wildlife, and that Dad works for something called "The DHARMA Initative" now. Someone calls his name, and he leaves me to watch the rest of the video alone.

It goes on talking about codes and studies and world peace- but if that's really what it's about, why do all these people need to be injected with giant needles? It's too weird to be completly on the level.

"Hey. You're new, huh?" Now there's a girl next to me. I should probably nod or something. "I'm Annie. Want one?"

She has a candy bar. Well, at least they have regular food here. "You can have as many as you want." Nice of her to say that, I guess...

"Work man? What is this? Work man? I'm a janitor!"

Dad doesn't look too happy again. He keeps arguing for a while longer until he takes me away. I hope I get to rest somewhere before the day's over.
****************************************
"So once water is added to the bicarbonate, we will get our very own volcanic reaction."

"Is that what happened to the volcano on this Island?"

"Exactly Annie, but that was a long time ago. OK, lets get ourselves an eruption. Just add water and, voilà. Now I know its not lava but...."

I can't pay attention with this rumbling now...now there's the siren again.

"OK everyone into your positions. That's right, all together. Annie, lock the backdoor please!"

What is all this for? Now she has a gun...why all this panic? I can't move until I have a better idea what to hide from.

"Ben. Come on, honey, you gotta move. Ben!"

Now the DHARMA people outside have guns....but Annie grabs me before I see any more. We go to the corner. "Don't worry its just the Hostiles. We'll be OK."

The Hostiles...I've heard that name before. I thought this place was studying stuff and "promoting world peace" Then why would people want to attack them...unless it was for a good reason we don't know about. But what?

What does Dad really do- and who is he doing it for?
**********************************************
He's drinking beer again, and he doesn't look happy to see Horace. I can hear it, and see it, from my room. "We're driving back from the Flame and we hear this huge explosion. Next thing I know, there's a siren wailing, and we're driving to the middle of a shoot-out!"

"Look we're having some skirmishes with the natives." Natives....so these people lived here before we got here. Did Dad's people take their land or something? "What do you mean, natives?" asks Dad.

"Well, we're not exactly sure who they are." That's not what Dad wanted to hear- he must have drank more than usual.

"Roger, I did you a favour man. You were having trouble finding work and don't forget about Ben, he's getting a quality education."

"I don't give a damn about his education!" That I already figured out...."If I'm gonna get shot at, I want hazard pay. I want another thirty grand."

I don't wanna hear it anymore tonight, I hate when he's like this. Which is too much lately.

Wait...there's a noise outside. Maybe that will distract me. I'll close the door and look- maybe Annie snuck out to see me again.

.....

.....that....that face....

...Mom?

But she's dead!!

But I saw her right outside!

How could I have seen a dead person?!

I fell down, I gotta see it again- if it's her...

...oh great, Dad's in here now. "I thought I told you to go to bed."

He leaves, but not soon enough- now I can turn again and....she's not there now.

She's gone....if that was her.

I know she looked exactly as she did in the photos...in that photo on the desk. But she died....she died when I was born. Then how was she there?

But if she was....after how hard it's been getting with Dad, and how I don't know how good or bad these DHARMA people are...oh God, I wish it is her...
********************************************
She really made these pieces of wood look nice...

"It's us. That's you and that's me. Now we never have to be away from each other. Happy birthday, Ben."

I don't know how much it does look like me and her, but she sure tried her best, that's for sure. I should at least say something. "Thanks."

She says you're welcome, and we play on the swings for a while longer. I'm glad she took time to do that today. It's the most I've done on my birthday in years.

When I have to go back home, Dad's exactly where I thought he'd be- passed out. He'll probably be cold when he wakes up, or gets sober. I get the blanket to put on him- but unfortunatly, I wake him up.

I hate having him talk to me when he's like this....please don't say anything, not today. Not now.

Oh no, he saw the box with the gifts..

"It's your birthday. Sorry I forgot. Kinda hard to celebrate on the day you killed your Mom."

He can't mean that....he's just drunk...he doesn't know what he's saying...

"She was just seven months pregnant, we went for a hike, but you had to come early."

He's not drunk enough to forget the story...that means he has some idea of what he's saying. He means it. He really thinks I killed her.

.....but did I....

"Now, she's gone, and I'm stuck here on this island, with you."

You didn't have to come here....you didn't have to take me. You could have left me somewhere, anywhere....anywhere but here, with you saying this to me, with you working for people that might not be good people. If you didn't wanna be here, why did you do it? Just to make me upset like you?

"Happy birthday, Ben."

He says that after he called me a murderer...the only time he'll ever remember is so he can call me names.

I can't stay here with him right now...

I have to get out of here...

But I can't cry and run through the jungle forever....

Then I see the fence that's guarding the barricks...the thing that they say keeps us safe from the danger out there.

Or so they say.

Wait...I hear something. Something not very loud...but I hear them anyway. Voices...voices of what? The hostiles? Dharma people? What?

Maybe I can see something from over here...

....oh God...

"Mom?"

This time I can get closer to her....I have to!

"Ben, don't!"

I hear her voice for the first time...it's so warm and beautiful, yet so....worried? Why should it be? I'm here, I want to see her, I have to see her! Why wouldn't she want to see me?! "Mom!"

"It's not time yet, Benjamin."

Not time? But she's my Mom, she never got to see me while she was alive! Why can't she make time now? What's going on?!

No, she can't leave now! Don't leave me here! Don't leave with him! Don't leave me with them!

"Mom!!!"
*******************************************
Okay....I have the code for the fence- like it was hard to sneak past him. I have my bunny, just in case. If I got the right information, it should deactivate this thing, but I won't take chances. Not with this...not with her.

I hear the buzzing die down, so the code probably worked. But to make sure....sorry if this doesn't work, bunny.

I let him go...and he's not vaporized. So it's safe now.

I get him back along the way, and look for any signs of her.

Now I hear those voices again....they were there the last time. I must be close...

"Mom? Mom?"

She has to be here....I have to see her before I go back. I have to know there's a better place out here than back there...

"Mom! Mom!! MOM!!!"

I hear something coming.....Mom?

No....it's a man with long hair!

"Hey hey, I didn't mean to scare you, wait." He isn't carrying anything with him that could hurt me...but if he's out there, he must be one of those hostiles. I'll ask him and see. "Are you one of them?"

"One of whom?" He doesn't even know what they call those people- his people?

"A hostile."

"Do you even know what that word means?" He....has a point, actually. "What's your name?" If he was a bad guy, why isn't he attacking me right now- why is he asking me my name? I tell him what it is.

"Ben. So, you wanna tell me what you're doing in the middle of the jungle all by yourself?" I really shouldn't....but if he lives here, maybe he knows something about these voices, and why I'd see my Mom. Or he might think I'm crazy...only one way to know. "I left home, and, I'm looking for my Mom."

"You think she's out here?" Should I really tell him?

"You wouldn't believe me."

"Try me." Doesn't sound like a bad guy so far...maybe I can give it a shot.

"She's dead." Now he looks stunned...but not stunned in a way where he thinks I'm crazy. At least that's not how it looks...he almost looks like he understands what I'm talking about. "Did she die here, on the island?"

"No. When I was a baby." Now he looks even more interested....does he have an idea of what I mean? Is it really possible for me to see her here, and does he know why?

"Did you see her Ben, out here, in the jungle?"

"She talked to me." He still doesn't seem to think I'm crazy....it's like he believes me and really wants to know what I'm saying. He's the first adult- living adult- to really be like that around me.

"What did she say?"

"That I couldn't come with her. She said it wasn't time yet."

Does this man knows what she means? Maybe....maybe there is hope. Maybe I can find her, and I can start all over again with someone who loves me. At a place that's actually home- another thing I've never really had.

"You should go home now, your people will be looking for you."

I can't hear that, not now...

"I don't want to go back there! I hate it there." No matter what they said about these people they're fighting- they can't be that bad. Not as bad as they are. "Take me with you."

"Maybe that can happen. Maybe. But if that's what you really want Ben, if that's what you want, I want you to really think about that. And you're gonna have to be very, very patient."

How?

Why can't I go now? Why can't I see my Mom now? Why do I have to stay there longer? Why is he leaving before I can ask him?

Is....is there something going on that I don't know about?
******************************************
Years later...

Ben- Work Man.

So many years ago, I never wanted to wear their clothing as long as I lived.

Now, I've made myself wear it for a grand purpose. To free this place, and the people, that I've come to love. I never thought I'd have those feelings for this place so long ago, either.

But he set me straight....he helped me realize what had to happen. What has to happen now.

It's almost time now. Just a little while longer.

But I can't do this without her doll with me. I have to keep this memory, at least.

And when we're done, all my people will be free to have such wonderful moments with loved ones again.

But first, I have to pretend I'm one of....them, for a little while longer.

I take my DHARMA supplies to Dad's van, pretending to store them as if nothing will happen. He's putting away DHARMA beer, of course. "What's your problem now? Sure you're usually Chatty Cathy in the morning."

At least I have something to say that'll keep him from suspecting worse. "It's my birthday. I dunno why I keep fooling myself into thinking that one of these years you're actually gonna remember."

This was his last chance....this'll make it easier. Now I just need to get him into a quiet place to do it while the others get here.

"Well, I'll tell you what. All we gotta do this morning is run this stuff out to the Pearl station. Why don't we go up to the mesa, drink some beers. Have some, I dunno, father and son time."

Of all days....it's almost funny in a sick way. But I suppose it could work. We'll be all alone....my people can take care of things if I'm not here.

I need to be alone for this.....

It doesn't take us long to get to the mesa, and we're sitting together in silence for a while. I should just do it now, without warning.

"Well, you sure can't say it ain't beautiful." That's right...you let yourself get mixed up with people that almost ruined it anyway. This is no one's fault but your own that you're here and have gotten yourself into this.

But he said it's my fault he's here...

I need that cleared up before I do this. Yeah, that's what I need to do now...

"Do you really blame me? Do you really think its my fault that she died?"

I don't know if saying it's not will make me change my mind...I probably couldn't if I wanted to. But I need to hear him say something to confirm or deny it. Please....

"What do I know?"

I should have known. He doesn't know anything....even when sober. As always, I'm not gonna get anything settled with him.

It's useless.

I look at the watch...it's almost time. They must be in the barricks by now.

"Why do you keep looking at your watch? You got a date?" I don't answer....I have no more words for this man.

"Listen. If it makes you feel any better, I will do my best to remember your birthday next year."

Okay...I need at least a few more words for that.

I agreed I had to kill him to prove my commitment to our cause. I should feel nervous about doing this....but I lost those nerves long ago, thanks to Jacob.

Now I'm going to repay his kindness.

They've probably started using the gas on them already.

It's my turn now.

"I don't think that's going to happen, Dad."

"What do you mean?"

Just get through this, Benjamin....one last statement to him, and it's over.

"You know I've missed her too. Maybe as much as you have. But the difference is, for as long as I can remember, I've had to put up with you." I then remember some of the first words Richard told me....his words have finally paid off after all. "And doing that required a tremendous amount of patience."

The mask is all set. The gas should work perfectly.

"Goodbye, Dad."

I put it on...I take the canister out.

"Ben?"

I hear him choking now....but I can't bring myself to see it.

What does it say that I wanted to do this, waited to do this for so long, and wanted this to happen well before Jacob gave me the chance- and I can't even look at him dying?

Does that make me more human, or a coward? Is that a bad thing, considering what I'm going to become now?

I don't know....I can't figure it out now.

My father is about to officially die by my hand. And I can only stare straight ahead.

I almost hope that's not a tear beginning to form in the back of my right eye.

When it's over, I head back to the barricks, and actually bring myself to see the 40 bodies lying around. Their end of the plan worked too.

I almost can't believe it happened.

For all of their power, they were brought down that easily...but thank God they were.

I see Horace lying on the bench...the one person close to being an innocent. I don't know how much he knew about how his vision was corrupted by those around him. If he knew what they did to his plans, he hid it too well. But even so...I know he wasn't one of those who made them so evil. So I close his eyes in respect for that.

It's probably for the best that Richard and the others only come into view after that. He takes off his mask and nothing happens, so the area should be safe to move into later, at least. From seeing me, he can tell that my part of the plan is done.

"You want us to go get his body?"

I'd rather not have that man anywhere near here...not after today. Today is not meant to keep the old, destructive, evil thing around. Today we turn this island into the force for good that it should have been. Today we wash DHARMA's illgotten deeds away.

Today we make all of this place a haven for the good guys.

"No, leave him out there."

We did it.

I did it.

For the first time in my life....I am really home.