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Post by Charlotte on Apr 12, 2007 17:54:57 GMT -4
wow you´re so talented, it´s a wonderful Patchy poem!
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Post by rednymph234 on Apr 12, 2007 18:01:09 GMT -4
wow you´re so talented, it´s a wonderful Patchy poem! Thanx a bunch! |
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Post by henryrocks on Apr 13, 2007 0:09:38 GMT -4
"Hello, Juliet… Did you sleep well? Have you dreamed of a place? A shining and warm place where your sister waits, Patient, sad and beautiful?" "But the life is gone, don’t you see? Well half is gone, as I cannot see! Haha! I cannot see out of one eye, And so 'Patchy' I shall remain, Even after I die!" These lines stuck out to me. The rest was straightforward fan writing - which, nothing wrong with that  But you usually wouldn't read fan poetry and think, "This deserves to be in an English textbook!" You know? But, (in my amateur opinion  ;D), these passages transcend mere fan writing, and evidence a real poetic sensibility (eh, don't be laughing at me now; I'm getting in my (I'm thinking) soon-to-be-English-major-mode ), an ear for more than simply what is "pretty." Don't laugh, again, but the first one is kind of mythic, kinda Greek. The second - I just re-read Hamlet for class, and I'm not kidding: the second stanza has a definite Shakespearean ring. It's got a bit of that crazy, yet high-sounding and elegant madness (the "ha ha!"? Pure Shakespeare! ;D) Anyway, these bits are lovely. If you care to read it, rednymph, I'll offer some constructive criticism... "The monster that loves you so much" works as an idea, but definitely not in words. The connotations I get it are kids' shows (i.e., furry monsters that want to hug you), and a voice saying this in baby-talk.   It's an interesting thought to relate to Ben, for sure , but not appropriate. I also think "your happy place" is out-of-place. Second stanza- "I went up in flames for the sake of their game" doesn't flow. It sounds like you're trying hard to rhyme it with something, but you're actually not. Things start clicking and fitting together, I think, at "But the life is gone..." Frost: "Like a piece of ice on a hot stove, the poem must ride on its own melting." Love that quote. It's true. And your poems did do a bit of melting. Please do keep with it! As long as you keep reading the best poetry you can, your stove is just going to get hotter and hotter (.... if - you know what I mean. lol) Ditch everything I said, if you like, but - jus' my $0.2. |
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Post by melissaq9 on Apr 13, 2007 0:58:24 GMT -4
Ok this is Ben's poem to Juliet Hello, Juliet… Did you sleep well? Have you dreamed of a place? A shining and warm place where your sister waits, Patient, sad and beautiful? Oh Juliet… Oh how lovely your hair smells, In the sun with ocean spray bleaching your skin…. Sad and beautiful…. Do you see me, Juliet? Do you see me seeing you? I am your Ben, Your shadow and dark monster with ever watching eyes, The monster that loves you so much. So I took you from your happy place, Away from the blankets Of a cozy life. And here we stand, at the brink of oblivion… Ben… Ben? Who is he? No one you know. I would not let you know him. Good bye, Juliet. Continue to dream your life away, And pay no more thought to this place, This cold and unfeeling place. I, Benjamin Linus shall leave you now, So sleep and dream…do not dream of me, For you will never know me. You will never know how much I love you. Beautiful Chantal! |
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Post by melissaq9 on Apr 13, 2007 1:01:17 GMT -4
"So put out my misery in my eye,
And make me half blind to the life"
Chantal, this is one of the best lines of poetry I have read in a long time. Genius.
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Post by rednymph234 on Apr 30, 2007 12:59:23 GMT -4
Hello, Ben.
I was listening to your speech.
You have a wondrous oratory power;
Your voice commands the seas and conjures tears.
All would follow you to listen to that voice…
That voice, those words that your voice mystifies!
But…I happen to notice that the world is coming to the end--
Armageddon.
The world has been annihilated; a purple sky marks its passing.
And since the end of days is finally here,
I listen to your voice and ponder….
…Could you be the Devil?
The Bible told us all that the Devil would come to save us,
Then kill us,
His voice wooing our fear into solemn peace.
Are you left handed?
Let me check your hand.
I cannot tell, but your voice certainly sings with music,
And as enticing as your voice is, Ben,
I must decline your offer.
I shall miss your voice terribly,
And I shall weep for my loss.
But I cannot go astray into the horde,
Led by hypnotizing, mesmerizing beauty.
So I bid you, farewell, Devil.
May your voice sing on.
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Post by melissaq9 on Apr 30, 2007 22:08:17 GMT -4
Hello, Ben. I was listening to your speech. You have a wondrous oratory power; Your voice commands the seas and conjures tears. All would follow you to listen to that voice… That voice, those words that your voice mystifies! But…I happen to notice that the world is coming to the end-- Armageddon. The world has been annihilated; a purple sky marks its passing. And since the end of days is finally here, I listen to your voice and ponder…. …Could you be the Devil? The Bible told us all that the Devil would come to save us, Then kill us, His voice wooing our fear into solemn peace. Are you left handed? Let me check your hand. I cannot tell, but your voice certainly sings with music, And as enticing as your voice is, Ben, I must decline your offer. I shall miss your voice terribly, And I shall weep for my loss. But I cannot go astray into the horde, Led by hypnotizing, mesmerizing beauty. So I bid you, farewell, Devil. May your voice sing on. Wow Chantal! You are so talented. I like the connection of Ben and the Devil. How he is handsome and charming to get you but then evil in the end. I don't know if I would be able to say no to Ben though! Very, very good!  Thanks for posting it! |
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Post by rednymph234 on May 1, 2007 20:42:56 GMT -4
THANX MELISSA! >^.^<
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But you usually wouldn't read fan poetry and think, "This deserves to be in an English textbook!" You know?
;D), these passages transcend mere fan writing, and evidence a real poetic sensibility (eh, don't be laughing at me now; I'm getting in my (I'm thinking) soon-to-be-English-major-mode 
It's an interesting thought to relate to Ben, for sure 
