"In The Mind of One Of...."

"Every Man for Himself"

Ben still left that TV on, and now it's playing cartoons. I understand why he needed to see the Red Sox World Series tape, but I don't see how cartoons will be helpful. Judging from Ben's new x-rays, we're almost to the point where we're running out of time. New approaches need to be put in to speed this up- but until then, the old approach of giving him food is still helpful. When I come in to give him some, he almost looks bored. "How are you doing today Jack?"

"Great." He's gone back to the sarcasm route, or at least the annoyed one. "You seem frustrated."

"Am I gonna keep watching cartoons or...are you gonna tell me why I'm here?"

I briefly consider that, but remember that he needs to be on our side first. Ben was right about that, at least- he won't do it at gunpoint or if we're outright forcing him. It has to be his choice to do it, and only then can I plant the right idea in his head. So being completly honest will have to wait a while longer.

"I hope you like blueberry. If not, I can..."

"Should I talk to Benjamin?" So he told him his name- it would be pretty silly to call him Henry. The name doesn't suit him, and it barely fooled them at that hatch. "Because I'm starting to think that you're just the person who brings me my food."

Not quite, Jack- but he needs to remember I'm the best person he has to talk to, or at least think that way. "You can talk to him all you want, but he won't tell you anything."

"You work for him." Now for the first time since I met him, he says something that annoys me a bit, not the other way around. "No, I don't work for him."

"He's in charge?" I'm not giving him the satisfaction of answering that. He's not allowed to turn the tables on us. "Well it doesn't work that way over here, Jack. We make decisions together." And my uneasiness over saying that is the reason why he can't turn those tables.

"Really? Because, when I was holding that broken plate at your neck he seemed happy to just let you die. I mean it felt like he made that decision on his own."

He's not supposed to get this good at these back and forths. He's just the goody two shoes doctor, this sort of thing is Locke or Ford or Jarrah's territory.

I have to stop this before he actually senses I know how right he is. "You don't know what you're talking about. I don't answer to him."

"Juliet! I need you!"

Don't tell me he actually heard that and chose to prove me wrong on purpose. He knows this is no time for those antics. "Can it wait?"

Ben does look out of breath, as he would be if he was running from the monitors to do that. But he doesn't look like he ran here to do a gag. He almost looks like something is really wrong. "The sub is back. We have a situation. So come with me now."

By the time we get outside, I have a hard time figuring out just how we're gonna save Colleen's life- or if we have any hope to do it.

"Keep her steady!" I yell as we get her in, not even paying attention to Austin and Ford, who are surely watching this.

As much as I try to stablize her, keep her calm, and feed her reassuring words, I know most of my words are lies. She doesn't have a chance if I'm the one taking care of her, this isn't my kind of medicine. I'm a healer of mother and babies, or at least I've tried to be. I'm not a healer of people like this...

...not like Jack.

It's a big risk, but it's her only chance.

And maybe....

Remembering Ben's x-rays are still nearby, I make sure they stay in sight.

Once more, I have to swallow my self respect, using a friend's possible death as a chance to further my own agenda. This is the sort of thing Jack gives his notorious self righteous scorn and lectures towards, although he's usually right about it, to his credit as a smart, moral man.

I don't know why I thought of him in those terms at a time like this. Nevertheless, I hurry.

"What did you do to Sawyer?!" He yells when I get there. I know Ben's doing work on Ford so he won't be a problem- how he heard about that, I don't know and I don't care.

"I heard him yelling! You've got blood on your clothes...what did you do to him?!"

"It's not his blood!"

"Then who's blood is it?!"

"It's the blood of a woman who's dying. Jack...I...I need your help."

Knowing how much fixing anything means to him, it's almost a forgone conclusion that he accepts, thank God. But precautions still need to be made, so I make sure he's hooded and that the alarms are on, so Austin and Ford's certain calls won't reach him.

That plan works perfectly, and he's there in no time- and so is Ben to meet and scold us. "Have you lost your mind? You bring him here?!"

There's no time to get into how Colleen needs Jack, or how this may help Ben. "He's a doctor. He can help."

"Well this is not why-" No it isn't, but I'm making sure we're getting to that soon- but first things first. "Do you want her to die?"

Ben backs down, since we both know how important it is for him to be loyal to his people, especially in their hour of need. I take the hood off Jack and fill him in on Colleen's condition, as we prep ourselves for surgery.

And with that, he sees the x-rays. At least that'll go well, hopefully after we save her. It'd be in too much bad taste to clear it up now, though. "Those aren't hers. Come on."

Once we get there, Danny's already objecting to Jack's presence in no time. "Tell him who did this. He ought to know that!" The only surprise is that it was Sun and not Jarrah, but there's no time for that- he's always been volitile, and he can't go overboard now. Tom helps me get him out and drown out his yells, then I get back to Jack.

I explain how I got the bullet out, then he tells me to "clamp under the liver" as though I'm qualified to do that. "I'm...I'm not a surgeon."

"I know. But I need you to do this." Now it's starting to hit home about how any wrong move could kill a friend. We keep moving as fast as we can, then the awful sound of flatlining comes out.

A sound I've heard too many times in this room, but this is the first time it's happened like this.

"Now! Juliet, I need paddles!" Oh God, this never gets easier, no matter how it happens...

"It's broken. We haven't had...a...Jack, we haven't had anything...happen before! We didn't...I don't..." I can't form a credible defense or excuse....Jack goes to CPR, but I'm all but convinced he's not getting anywhere.

He backs away, barely able to come to terms with it himself. He's used to hating that he couldn't save someone he never met....even though in this case, he's someone who's "one of them" and "an Other" Even with that, he seems dejected and hurt....how can he do that? He wears his feelings on his sleeves, he couldn't hide his disgust for us that well and pretend to be that concerned...

"Time of death, uh...she's gone." The harsh reality knocks me out of my train of thought.

Another one gone. And unlike the last few mothers, it came completly without warning. I already hear Danny go out to take it out on Ford, most likely.

Once I clean up and take care of things outside, I come back in to see Jack in cuffs, and Colleen's body covered up.

"I'm...I'm sorry. They...they uh, they had to put handcuffs on you." I barely pay attention to him after seeing her body.

I've seen the worst kind of death imaginable, the kind that comes and snuffs the promise of giving birth to new life- the ultimate joy followed by the worst tragedy. This is entirely different, but that in a way, makes it harder to deal with.

I'm running out of new kinds of pain to experience in my life, and this is one more that's been crossed off.

"Um...I'm a fertility doctor. I'm not used to death." I have to lie about that so Jack doesn't suspect anything about my real job, but the shock and sadness is genuine.

"What was her name?" I answer with the nickname we had for her, which I called her during some of my better moments here. "Col. It was short for Colleen. I shouldn't have...uh, I should have come to get you sooner."

"It wouldn't have mattered. There wasn't any more that you could have done. She was...she was dead before you put her on the table." He's not supposed to be good at bedside manner or reassuring people...but having him say that still helps me a bit.

"Are you...are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"I don't...I don't care about making you feel better." But the laugh sort of hints that he still had some concern for me. Even after all that's happened, he still has concern for those he really should wish dead....I shouldn't actually be touched by that, but I'm glad to see that now.

He's probably had enough for now, so I can do that much for him and let him rest. "I'm going to take you back now. Um, I'm...I'm sorry for bringing you here."

Before I allow myself to consider if I meant anything deeper than that, he grabs my wrist.

"Who's x-rays are those? Outside? Those are spinal x-rays and they belong to a man about 40 years old. And whoever he is, he has a very large tumor on his L-4 vertebrae. And I just happen to be a spinal surgeon. So, you tell me, Juliet...who am I here to save?"

It appears I got what I wanted....and a friend had to die to help with that.

This isn't the moment of satisfaction I was almost hoping to have when the day started.

But pure satisfaction has eulded me for this long, what's one more disappointment?

Still...maybe things are finally moving along to bring it closer.

I like these Juliet versions. You've got a pretty solid approximation of Juliet's voice and what she must have been thinking. (I don't really hear Ben's "voice" in his pieces - kind of a stylistic thing. But it really works for Juliet.)

Interesting how she claims to really dislike Ben, but you see how her mind is constantly drawn towards him - she thinks about him more than she would like. I also really like her personal perspective on Ben: "He's in one of those moods, then...I know there's no point drawing this out, then. I know he has nothing really planned and he's actually been reduced to asking him straight out to do something. I know how much that must sting him...." Right there, that's why first person is so cool. Third person wouldn't have that punch. It's like she's sitting and chatting with you, and it's just so real.

I'll be really interested to see how you'll handle her last flashback episode.

"Not in Portland" part 1- flashbacks

It's going to work. All these months and years of waiting and suffering will pay off. Someday soon, it's all going to pay off.

But it won't come faster if I keep sitting on this beach.

I head to the room, ignoring a stranger saying hello to me. I get inside, and everything looks just as I left it. The candles are bright, the music is soothing...the only different is she's asleep now. But I don't need to wake her right now.

Besides, she does a good job waking herself up while I prepare the syringe. "Ooh. I fell asleep...."

"With candles burning." There, it should be all set now. But I have to make sure she's perfectly all right before we do this. She knows the risks, but she has to still be willing to face them or I couldn't do this to her.

"It's real safe. We don't have to keep doing this, you know."

"Are you saying that because you don't think it's going to work, or because you are afraid he'll find out?" Well played, Rach. She could always read me like a book and sense my fears....but if she's not affected by them, neither will I, at least for tonight. "Lift up your shirt."

The injection goes as planned, even her moans of pain are expected. "Some doctor you are."

"I'm not doing this as your doctor. I'm doing this as your sister." And as such, I have to give some concern while filling both roles at once. "I don't like you being here alone. Come stay with me."

"I like living on the beach." Of course she does, what choice does she have? "This is Miami, Rachel. Everything's on the beach." I say as I open the curtains to reveal the night view, and as one of those annoying Oceanic flights go by.

If I never see beach again, it'll probably be too soon. As if that's the most important thing for me to worry about.
******************************************
I get into the Bio-Research lab without any trouble- even if I made noise, it wouldn't wake or bother anyone since no one's around to be bothered. Still, it's annoying to hear my cell ring at a time like this.

It's that Diana woman from Mittelos Bioscience. She needs to confirm my appointment, and I remember it's at 2 tomorrow and am sure to say it quickly. "2 o'clock. Dr. Alpert asked me to tell you that he's very much looking forward to meeting you."

It's confused me many times why this Dr. Alpert and this company I've never heard of heard of me and want to talk to me, of all people. But the appointment's tomorrow, and that's when I can think about it some more. For now, there's more important things to take care of.

I find the vials, and they all look perfect for use. At least one of these has to be the one that'll do the job for Rachel. Then- wait, why are the lights going on?

I duck as soon as I can, and panic a bit. Who could be down here now?

Then I feel absolutly no shock when Edmond and someone who must be his new "catch" stumble in. I really don't need to see this- I saw him doing this with other women once too often already. Maybe if I crawl out, I can avoid them-

And of course, with my luck, the damned phone rings again and he finds me in an instant. I remember to make sure the vials are completly out of sight before I'm ready to speak to him. "Hey. Hey...Ed."

"Uh...why exactly are you here?" Fortunatly, I did at least plan ahead for this. "Oh...um. Today's lab work. I...I got home and I realized that I inverted some numbers."

"And it couldn't wait until the morning?" It'll take a little longer to figure out an answer to that one.

"Um...Edmund?" That was somewhat fortunate- knowing him, he'll remember that he doesn't have time or patience to keep talking to me, nothing new there. "Sorry! How rude of me." Well, he would know about that feeling. "Uh, Juliet this is Sherry. Sherry, this is Juliet...my ex-wife. Juliet's leaving."

"I am." This was actually a lucky break seeing him like this, for the very first time ever. "Jules? Could you please...turn off the lights?"

I roll my eyes and do so, leaving him to his little games while, this time, I actually have better things to do than think about him.
******************************************
The work I'm doing today looks pretty easy, so perhaps I can get it done quick enough to get to Rachel early. But I get distracted by seeing Edmond's new girl coming by, of all people. "Juliet? Edmund wants to see you in his office."

"Do you work here?" He's had his share of women in the office, but I usually see some of them around here first beforehand.

"I'm the new research assistant." Figures...it's so pathetic it's almost laughable. "Of course you are." But let's just see what he sent her here for, this should be good for some humor.

But he rarely, if ever, calls me over to talk to him during work. Does that mean something I should be worried about?

"I want in." Sadly, I might have seen the future a bit too late. But I can play dumb for a little while and buy time. "In on what?"

"I know what you're doing Juliet." Okay, he's still being vague enough for me to keep stalling. "I'm not really sure what you..."

"I read your notes. I know what you took from the lab." I don't know why I should be shocked at tactics like that from him anymore. But as long as he doesn't know who's- "The only thing I don't know is...who's your guinea pig?"

I'm gonna have to come clean with at least a couple of things, if only to distract him from knowing about Rachel. If he knows that, he'll have her turned into his own little experiment for sure and not care one bit if he's doing more harm than good- which he will obviously do, knowing who he is. "Ed, I've...I've been doing research in my own lab, on my own time. An...and...I don't really see how..."

"It's your sister, isn't it?"

How does he do that? Why did I have to get involved with someone who's that devious and knows all these sneaky tactics to figure out every little thing?

"Look, Jules. There's 2 ways this plays out. 1, is your research is potentially genius. And the other...it raises some very serious ethical questions. Maybe even criminal concerns." He's an accesory to those "criminal concerns" now, and I doubt he wants a scandal to ruin his cushy job here. So what else is he getting at?

"But if you collaborate with me. Based on my reputation...all this is viewed as cutting edge science. And we will win prizes and drink champaigne. And do a lot of good for people." Like he gives one little bit of thought about that part...but so far, it looks like he's got me. How can I get out of this without destroying Rachel's chances? What can I do, but admit he's won for now? "Why don't I give you some time to think about it?"

You haven't left me much to think about. Once again, you've ruined me, and this time I don't think I can get over it that easily. This is something that I'll actually miss after you've destroyed it, my sister.

But I don't have the skills to match his sneaky schemes. I'm nothing like him, and this time it's a bad thing that I'm not...
********************************************
I don't know how I have the composure to actually be at this pitch meeting, especially since there's no chance it'll go anywhere. But I need some kind of distraction, if only for a couple hours.

And this Dr. Alpert actually seems to have come with some intriging details. His photos are corny, but all these companys are expected to be cornball in selling themselves.

"These shots might seem a little cheeseball but our people really are this happy. Now why? Because we are privately funded. Privately funded means...freedom. We organize trips every week in and around the Portland area. Which is just awesome for hiking and biking and river running."

Now I'm interested and weirded out. Since when was anyone willing to give me that much, or any potential employee that much? And what is Mittelos Bioscience anyway, I barely saw anything about it when I researched it a while back. I'll need at least a couple of answers here.

"Look...when, when you, your company reached out to me I was flattered. But, I don't really know why you would want me..."

"Uh, is it true that you successfully impregnated a male field mouse?" How did he know that? But I am used to men finding out all kinds of things I do that I don't want them to know about. Why am I so bad at keeping secrets?

But if they know that, they also have to know "He didn't carry to term."

"Mind if I ask you something?" I nod and he holds up an x-ray of a womb. Nothing really special about it, but I indulge him. "Well, it's a human womb, obviously. Judging from the decomposition of the endometrium I would say that the woman was somewhere in her 70's."

"Well, actually she's 26."

I must be having the wool pulled over my eyes again, not a rare thing....but if I'm not, then how could that be possible? He's gonna have to explain himself if he expects me to take this that seriously. "What happened to her?"

"What if I told you that you could have complete freedom and money to find out?" I have to laugh- for all their efforts to seem different, they're just like any other company in teasing things out and acting like they're bribing me to come on board.

But this is the best sounding bribe I've heard in some time... "We think you're special, Dr. Burke, and we want you to lead a team of highly trained people because we think you're just that good."

Since when have I heard people call me those things...pretty much since never, aside from Rachel. How could they have that much faith in me for something that's obviously important and secretive? How could I be that special? Not that I don't like hearing it and hearing someone actually take me seriously and praise everything I've put my life into, though. Even when Edmond said it, he was clearly insincere...

....oh right, him. And immediatly, any hopes I was beginning to have are killed rather quickly. I can't even get out of his thumb for my sister, how could I do it for strangers?

"I can't. My ex-husband wouldn't let me...I..."

"He wouldn't want you to have this opportunity?" If this guy already knows that much about me, he has to know how idiotic that question sounds. But he keeps asking about ways he would accept, and gets me madder that there is no way he would. All this teasing and getting my hopes up has only served to make me more upset that none of my hopes are gonna be reality. "There has to be something that he would respond to. If he was..."

"If he were to be hit by a bus, how about that?! That would work!"

Great....of all the times I finally have an outburst, and a really cruel one at that, I have to have it in front of a stranger. I'll bet he doesn't think I'm so special now. "That was totally inappropriate!"

He tries to reassure me, but there's really nothing more to say now. "I uh...I'm sorry but I have wasted your time." I get ready to leave, but he's still being persistant. "Dr. Burke, please. Don't!"

What is it with this guy? How could he still think all this about me when I know how untrue that all is?

"No! I'm sorry. Whatever you think I am...I'm not. I'm not a leader, Mr. Alpert! I'm a mess."

That should be enough for him to let me go and leave with what little dignity I have left...
********************************************
I really don't need to go over what happened again, but at least I know Rachel will at least have some comfort for me. She's really the only comfort I have left, and Edmond will likely ruin that too. So I have to enjoy our company while I can.

"Hey. How was the interview?" She actually looks a little happy, so I hate to give her the bad news. "It's not for me. It's fine. We're too far away, anyway. It's Portland..."

"Jules you didn't say no because of me?" If only you knew...I'm almost convinced I wasted all this effort I put in to your dream, for something that's not even coming true... "No. Why would I want to go all the way to Portland for research that doesn't even work?"

"Because it does work."

....Rachel, too? Why would she lie about....but why would she lie?

"I'm pregnant. I'm pre...I'm pregnant!"

I almost start to let myself believe her...

"Look...look. I took a blood test too. I didn't want to tell you until I was sure."

It looks real....her smile and happiness do too....then that means... "It worked."

Oh God, we did it....oh, thank you, thank you, thank you....even though you have some idea, you'll never know just how much I needed to hear this now. I did do something right...I did do good for someone who needed me...you'll never have a truly accurate idea of what that means to me at this moment.

"All my life all I've ever wanted was to have a baby. And now, because of you I can..." I think I'm almost crying as much as she is now. "God, now I just need to get healthy. Now I just...I just need to get healthy so I can see the little bugger get into an Ivy League school."

If this could happen, then anything really is possible...I can finally have the kind of hope she's had all this time again.

"Now you can tell that bastard ex-husband what he can do with his ethics." Oh Rachel, you are good....now I finally have the advantage over him, and we can both be free of him. After a few more minutes of crying happy tears with her, I almost can't wait to find him and tell him off once and for all.

When I find him outside the lab, he's already in one of his little mother arguments on the phone. Perfect, he's miserable enough now.

"She's pregnant." The stunned look he has is priceless...so will the future looks I'm going to make him have. "It worked. Rachel's pregnant."

He probably doesn't even notice he's on the street now, I got him that good. "Uh. Ju...Juliet that's...wow! Uh...I need, uh, I need to see your labs. We'll have to verify the data if we're going to..."

It's pretty much incredible to see him stammering and being nervous, getting a taste of the medicine he gave me. Now to drive the nail in. "No! I'm not interested in publishing, Ed. It's my sister." All right, let's see how he tries to get out of this one.

"Fine, then! If you're not interested, why are you concerned that..."

.......

.....did that bus just....
**********************************************
I'm surprised his body is that well preserved in the morge after all that happened to it. The employee asks me to sign paperwork, but I barely listen.

As much as I wound up hating him, I didn't want this. Even as slimy as he is, I doubt he would be celebrating if I got hit by a bus either.

As awful as he made things much of the time, I never wanted him to go through this.

I shouldn't be crying this much over him, but I can't stop anyway...God, I really can be weak.

"Tissue?"

Someone who looks....a little familar is there now, I can't tell if he's another employee. But I take his gift. "Thank you. Thanks. Have we met?"

"Hello, Dr. Burke." What the....what's he doing here now? "Mr. Alpert?"

"I'm, uh, so sorry for your loss." That still doesn't explain anything. "What are you doing here?"

"I...saw what happened on the news and, uh, your office said you were down here. I just wanted to...express my condolences in person before I went back up to Portland. This is Ethan. He's one of my colleagues."

He gives me a greeting, but I'm still a bit too beside myself to pay close attention. How could he come here, after I made it clear I couldn't come unless....

....wait a minute...

I open myself to the most fearful implications imaginable. "He was hit by a bus...."

He tells me what he found out on the news....but what if he knows more than that...much more..."No! No. In...in our interview I said...I said that I wanted...I wanted him to get hit by a bus." Oh God, what if I....what if they were inspired by my words to...

"Dr. Burke, I...I realize that you're a little, uh, shook up right now, but th...this is just a tragic accident. You can't blame yourself. I don't...even remember you saying that."

I could swear I did...but I don't know what to trust and think now. I am far too shaken up by every little thing to really think straight. But I need at least one thing cleared up. "Why are you here, Mr. Alpert?"

"Look, I...I, I know the timing is horrible. But we came because...we're that serious about getting you to come work with us." And I just let myself think you were seriously enough to kill Edmond...so I shouldn't be that surprised. "Just give us 6 months. If you need to you can be back before your sister gives birth."

How the hell does pretty much everyone I talk to know this stuff?! "How did you know that my sis...?"

"Well, we're very,uh, thorough in our recruitment process."

All this just for me, a nobody who stumbled onto the greatest breakthrough in ages. Am I blessed or cursed? Am I finally getting something good, or is it just a setup for disaster like everything else?

I'm almost shocked I let myself start to consider taking it...but I need to know a few more things first. "Can my sister come?"

"Won't work. We...we're pretty remote. She wouldn't have access to the treatment that she needs." But you people have made it clear you have access to pretty much everything else. How is this a problem all of a sudden? "But, it's Portland. There's plenty of clinics and..."

"Well, actually...we're not quite...in Portland."

I'm too numb to even be surprised at this point.

What are you about to let yourself get into now?

"Stranger in a Strange Land"

I didn't have too much time to lie down before Tom blabbed, and now Isabel is doing what she does best, determining if I should be punished. Knowing this system she runs, it's obvious what it could be if things go badly. I never actually confessed to Jack's claims, but there's no denying I killed Danny- that can't help my defense. But I was only following Ben's orders to help Austin and Ford- it was Danny's own fault he couldn't see the big picture. Somehow I doubt Isabel will see it that way, though.

It's not like Ben's healthy enough to clear it up anyway- even if he wanted to. But he promised I'd go free, and that means he can't let them kill me first. It would go against his precious word and he knows I would just let them know he's a liar. I find it hard to believe they don't know that, but it might help them not keep it to themselves anymore.

Not that I'd wish to die to make that happen- even Ben's not that strong of an influence.

I hear something- then see something in Jack being led down the hall. I give him a brief "Hello" not knowing if I'll be able to see him again. Ben at least needs to keep him alive, just in case. Besides, he made a promise to him too, and it's bad enough for him to break one promise without breaking two.

But after what happened, maybe this is the exception that breaks the rule.

Isabel lets me look at Ben before she continues the trial- and his own status is still as bad as I feared. While successfully dancing around the real issues between us, I let him know his recovery doesn't look very good at all- but there is someone else who can confirm it better than I can.

And maybe that gives me and him all the bargaining chips again.

The guards take me to Ford's old cage, where they have Jack now. He looks to be in one of his "not happy to see anyone, especially you" moods, but that'll have to change shortly. They might not give me enough time to try, so every second counts. "I thought you were locked up."

"They let me out to examine Ben. His vitals are low and he has a fever." I hand him the photos I just took, knowing that'll show him something's wrong, if he doesn't believe my words. "I took this about 10 minutes ago. It's of his stitches. They're infected aren't they?"

Jack confirms it, as I thought he would. I ask him to look at him, and he refuses, as I also figured.

"I'm not asking you for them or him. I'm asking you as a personal favor to me." I have my doubts as to how much weight that has on him at this point. He asks "You want me to help him again?" which tells me by that tone it's probably not much.

"Are you sure about that, Juliet?" he actually laughs at me. I swallow my pride and slight distaste over being put in the position of helping him yet again, but I confirm it for Jack. "And this is because he said that he would let you go home."

"No. No it... it's because I'm in trouble." Given our habit of not telling people everything right away, he obviously hasn't been told why. "I just killed someone. It's why they put me in your room."

"Who?" If I tell him I did it to save his friends life, maybe it would make him think twice about me...but who knows what he's really thinking about them right now? He must be on edge as it is thinking about Austin and Ford together, and any slight reminder of that could put him in too bad of a mood to be willing to help me. I'm going to have to sidestep the question, just in case- it's a gamble, but I can always tell him if he really presses the question. "It's complicated."

"Well, then, let me simplify it for you. I'm not going to help him. And I'm not going to help you."

I mentally kick myself for not thinking that one through as the guards take me back to the trial.

She continues asking questions, and I continue to avoid them when it's my turn to answer. And after a while, they bring Jack in for his side of the story. Unfortunatly, he's probably ready to spill the beans on me and officially doom me to my fate. And Isabel is skilled enough to push him just the right way to doing that.

"As you may have gathered, we don't live on this little island. In fact, most of us don't really like even coming here. There's been an incident that I'm investigating and I need to ask you some questions. So, I was hoping you might help me clear up a few of the inconsistencies." I keep my face steady, but inside I almost begin to resign myself to how Jack will confirm all this for her.

"Now correct me if I'm wrong, Tom, but you said in the midst of a surgical procedure Jack made several comments indicating that Juliet had asked him to kill Ben." Tom backs that up, as he's done from the start. Isabel wastes no time going back to Jack and move in for the kill. "That true, Jack? Did Juliet ask you to kill Ben?"

He's not saying yes as fast as I thought...

"The question's simple. Did Juliet ask you to kill Ben?"

He doesn't need to drag this out just to torture me...

"No. No, I was lying."

He what...

"I would have done anything to get my friends out and turning you people against each other was my best chance of creating chaos."

I almost can't believe he did that after all this....but if he went to so much trouble to help friends who literally stabbed him in the back just days ago, maybe it's not that shocking he'd do it for me after I stabbed him. But Isabel then asks exactly what I was thinking. "Why are you lying for her, Jack?"

Even though Jack went toe to toe with Ben and stood up to him, I don't know how his skills would stand up to Isabel's style. But, perhaps wisely, he doesn't want to find out. "I'd like to go back to my cage now."

After he leaves, my brief sense of relief disappears once I realize they're not gonna buy his lie. He was too little, and too late. So I just go back to getting myself ready once their verdict comes in.

As I begin to hope that, if there is an afterlife, I make it to the good part of it that Rachel and Julian will be at one day- so at least I see them again that way- I hear a ruckus outside.

"Alex. Jack!" I can't even begin to figure out how Jack was allowed here, let alone why Alex is near here. "What the hell did you bring him here for?!"

Isabel turns her attention from me and orders Tom to back away. I then notice the piece of paper Alex is carrying. "This is from Ben." she says as she brings it over.

I examine Isabel closely for any change of expression to hint what Ben just did, but of course, there's none. This could very well be anything...

"Ben has commuted Juliet's sentence. Execution is off the table. He says the rules don't apply."

I knew he'd be more concerned with keeping me here and making his word still seem valid than revenge....he wouldn't give me up for this long, so it figures he wouldn't give me up for this. Maybe it's a sign he really can be more reasonable now...

"He has, however, ordered her to be marked."

Or it could be way too much to ask for from him....they close the door as I try to grit my teeth for the intense heat to come.

Hours go by before I can walk around and manage the pain at the same time. No one comes to help me, of course. They're either ignoring me or too busy packing up to leave this island. They probably haven't even bothered to tell Jack...

....well, that gives me a somewhat good excuse to talk to him before we go.

I still have enough left to make him his favorite sandwich, as a small gesture of good will- or at least the biggest one I can get done in such short time. I don't have any toothpicks left, though. So I just go over to his cell, still grimacing a little bit, but not so much that he would notice.

"I heard you only liked them grilled."

"I miss the toothpicks, too." That's the first time since the surgery that I've actually heard him joke and try to be witty. Maybe that's as positive a sign as I've seen in a while. "Let me see."

There's not enough time to get into that detail, and he's already done enough as it is. "Jack..."

"They marked you? Let me see it." I suppose doing that would be a bigger gesture than the sandwich.

I turn and lift the back of my shirt up enough for him to see it, and no further up. I have no idea what to expect him to say to this right now- in fact, I've given up trying to predict his every move by now. Ben can do that with no problem, but I can't...and now, it doesn't bother me anymore.

"Break a branch off that aloe plant over there..." It was just starting to heal on it's own, and I don't know enough to know if that'll make it better or worse. "It's okay, Jack."

"Please, please do it." He said please twice...he must really want to help me. Is he doing this to satisfy his own guilt, or any other feeling he has now....well, if I do this for him, I can buy enough time to find out.

I get the branch for him, turn around again and he starts appling it...and it does more to ease the wound than anything else so far. Almost without thinking, I touch his hand as he continues....but I remember to stay focused enough to ask my questions.

"Why did you help me?"

"He told you he was going to let you go home. He told me the same thing. We're going to make sure he keeps his word." Weeks ago, I would have figured he's just gonna use me to make sure he gets off the island as well, and just needs me for cover...I doubt that now.
"And how are we going to do that?"

"Together."

I briefly remember what it feels like for someone to say something like that to me....before they all went away or made it less obvious that they were really bad people. But my appreciation for his words makes me remember that I came here to warn him. "They'll be coming for you in a few minutes. All of them. Your friends know where we are, so we have to leave this island to go back to where we live."

"Go where?" I almost say home...but, not for the first time, I remember it's not my real home. It's a home I never wanted to stay in, but it's been such a large part of who I've become that it has felt like it...just not the real thing. And now that there is real hope I might leave it, there's no need to pretend to say it's my real home now. It's Ben's home- that place is him, but it isn't me.

"Well...Ben calls it home."

And with Jack's help, we'll make sure this is my last trip there....if all goes just right, of course. After all this, I've pretty much lost the right to judge and predict the future.

Jack's help and the fact I'm alive, standing next to him on the boat ride at night to my....current place of residence...is proof positive of that.

The Man from Tallahassee

I thought it'd be more distasteful to prove our loyalty and keep up apperances until Ben lets us go- especially after recent developments- but Jack is a natural at it. Tom's certainly acting like everything's normal and perfect as he plays catch with him.

With everything hours away from being over, I can actually be in a good mood and not completly pretend that I am.

So with things all set, I let myself get caught up in Jack's enthusiasm as he tosses me the ball. We talk for a while about what lies ahead for us, and then see Ben wheeling himself outside. He's gotten really good at navigating that thing, to his credit. Of course, he'll never show how much it hurts him to be beaten this way, but he must know that I know. He may still be recovering from the surgery, but he still has the brain power to know what I'm thinking nearly every moment. But at this point, it can't do him any good, so I allow him to carry on his own facade as Jack shakes his hand.

Jack and I talk more into the night, getting our preparations all set. I bring him to his temporary home and say good night, before I double check to make sure I've got everything for my real home.

But quietly, with 3 years of experience in having things stripped away from me, I think in the back of my head that I should be ready for something to get in the way.

When word comes that Austin and Jarrah have come to get Jack, I almost think I was right to be ready for the worst. But as it turns out, it meant nothing. With Jack already set to go, he has no need to be rescued anyway. Strangely, Ben hasn't come out of his house and hasn't given any orders to Tom or the other guards, but maybe they didn't want to disturb him. But we're told that they will stay locked up until further notice.

Once Jack finds out where we're keeping Austin, me and Tom take him there so they can have whatever moment they want. I don't even bother to go in with him, knowing they need their privacy and knowing it's a useless distraction. Obviously Austin is beating herself up already by choosing Ford, and that'll probably make her an even harder case for Ben to deal with when we leave. Jack's likely telling her he'll come back for her anyway, but we'll come to that bridge after we're gone.

That time is almost here, and Jack should probably know it before he gets too caught up in the soap opera. I tell her we have to go, and he signals he'll be right there. Deciding to let him have at least one more moment with her, I close the door. Luckly, he doesn't take too long to get it done, and I don't ask what he said when he comes back.

Now there's just one more big step left....and Jack's already way ahead of me, since he has an actual reason to see Ben one more time.

Ben's already up, and it seems he's been awake for some time, even though he didn't give any orders or say anything about this new development. In any other case, that would worry me. But his hold over us is over and there's no way even he could find a way out of it, given the circumstances. So I let Jack do all the talking as I figure out a way to say goodbye to him.

Even with all he's done and all the misery this time ultimatly left me, I can't leave him on a bitter note. Despite the fact we're blackmailing him, he is at least keeping his promise now- most of the time, he was able to do that, except on the one big issue. Subtract all of that, and he was an honest and brilliant and facinating man, for the majority of our time together. Even when I go home and reunite with the people I love, there's no way to ever forget him or this place, or everything I've learned and been exposed to here. How do you actually say goodbye to all that? How do you express happiness that you'll never see those things again, yet gratitude for the times that weren't so bad?

There's no way to figure that out now, especially since I should have started thinking about this hours ago. So, I'll try to be simple and polite- since he is letting us go, I owe him that much.

The fact he's smiling, and not one of his fake smiles, makes that decision easier for me.

"Well, I guess this is it."

I haven't warmed up to him enough to give him a sappy and tear filled goodbye....but for all the terrible things about him, I can be civil enough to give him a gracious and dignified farewell, at least for all the good things about him.

"Thank you, Ben...for keeping your promise."

I decide not to touch him and risk him trying to charm me one last time, just on the very off chance he's planning something. I leave him the same way I greeted him all those years ago....with a gracious and happy smile. I feel generous enough to give him that as a last look.

Goodbye, Benjamin...and soon, I can say goodbye to your home and your people for good, as terrific and a little sad as that is.

The submarine is right there on the dock, as he said. Tom and Ryan will lead us the rest of the way, and then...

"Hey! Hold it right there!"

Ryan sees what we all see, he's just the first to react to it.

We only caught Austin and Jarrah- and now John Locke is here?

This is the man Ben's been so facinated and drawn to ever since we pulled up his file, found out his condition, and since he spent all that time with him in the hatch. He was one of the survivors I often wished to meet, so I could see what Ben sees in him- but seeing him now is a little bit too late.

And seeing him....apperantly wet from something...

"What are you doing here, John?" asks Jack, who I know isn't normally happy to see Locke on normal occasions, let alone this one.

"I'm sorry Jack."

I almost beat Jack to asking what he's sorry for....

...and then I briefly allow myself to think the worst...

...and then the sub blows up and confirms it...

I can't see Jack's face from this angle, but his body language says it all- he is incredibly angry at Locke, and if I could stop being numb to this, I would be too.

I've been robbed again....we were robbed again...

How did this man do this....and...and....was he alone?

Once I hold back my tears over being denied a chance to go home again....I need to have a few words with Ben about what he was doing tonight. How in the world could he not know Locke was here tonight- he constantly tries to prove nothing gets past him, and it usually doesn't, yet something like this got past him tonight of all nights?!

It's no coincidence...is it?

If it isn't, I don't know what I'll do to him...

If it is...I don't know what I'll do to them...

I should be screaming by now...but nothing like this surprises me one bit anymore....

"One of Us" part 1- flashbacks

September 2001...

There it is....even though this place doesn't look all that special, I'm still looking forward to seeing it. Or maybe humming along to "Downtown" with Rachel for the last time in a while is putting me in a gidder mood. I guess I should reflect more on that later, when I have to offically say bye for now.

I make sure to turn down our CD when we get to the gate, and I greet the security guard with a smile. "Hi! I'm Juliet Burke. I'm with Mittlose Bioscience."

"I'll let Mr Alpert know you're here." he says, almost being excessive in being formal. When I roll up the window, me and Rachel just have to laugh a bit. At least we get to part ways sharing laughs...

"I think they're taking this whole 'Corporate Secrecy' thing a little too seriously." Once I look at the gates and cameras along with her, I have to agree a bit. Despite the fact it wasn't easy working for Edmond, I was marginally comfortable there in the time I didn't have to deal with him. Now...with this place being so big and so important, I remember my feelings when I first got offered this job...why me? Am I that special? How can I live up to such high expectations, with such seemingly brilliant people working alongside me?

"I'm never going to fit in with these people..."

But I get interrupted from my thoughts by one of those people...I think it's Mr Rom. "Hey there, Dr. Burke. If you pop the trunk I'll get your bags."

Mr Rom does just that, so I figure I might as well actually leave the car. And right on time, as I see Mr Alpert come by- I definently have no trouble remembering him.

"Ah, you managed to find us!" Now that I'm outside, I can actually see more of the scenery- the rather large scenery, as it turns out. "I didn't even know they had an airport out here!"

"Oh, I know. It surprises everyone." He goes and introduces himself to Rachel. "Thank you for letting us borrow your sister for a few months."- saying this as if it wasn't already clear how long we'd be seperated.

"Just promise me you'll bring her back in one piece." she says with her refreshing brand of humor. Although that doesn't make this easier.

Mr Alpert informs me we'll need to go into a van the rest of the way, and soon enough leaves me alone with her...for the last time in a while.

"It's better this way." But there's no real way for her to know that, just like I have no idea...so much can go wrong, and I wouldn't be there to help her. Who would help her, people that don't know her like I do? People that couldn't make things easier for her like I've tried to do? Who wouldn't even be able to reach me if the worst happens?

I've been scared a few times over the last few weeks preparing for this, but this is my biggest panic attack yet. "Is this a mistake? I shouldn't go. What if you get sick again?"

"I won't. The cancer's gone. And...I'm 100 percent preggers thanks to you."

Typical Rachel...reassure me with actual good news. No one I'm going to meet could have that much of a gift with words.

"I'll be back", I reasure her as my way of thanking her. And she knows I'll be back as well....so at least this isn't as bad as it could be. I keep on reassuring her I'll be back before she gives birth, and there is no way that's going to be a lie, not if I have any say in it. Even if this Mittlos is more strict about travel than they said, I have to be there to see what I helped give her...we both need to be there together for it.

"You spent your whole life working to get here. So, don't blow it." Of course, she's thinking more about me than herself...and again, saying it in such a way that I have to laugh.

We exhange "I love yous" and hugs once more, making sure to remember each detail for my memories.

"Go make us proud."

But she's the only one who's always been proud of me...I don't imagine I'd have to do that much for that. Now, I just need to make myself proud...and by doing whatever has to be done and then heading home to tell her all about it on time, that's how it'll be done.

I hear the gates closing behind me, and do my best not to feel a bit of dread about it....
******************************************
When we get to the airline, Mr Alpert goes back to reassuring me. "I know that six months sounds like an eternity, but you're going to be amazed at how time flies once you're there."

"I can't wait to find out where 'there' is." And honestly, they should be ready to tell me about that by now...

Mr Rom's already there at the waiting area...is he some kind of ultra loyal assistant of Mr Alpert's? I never actually asked him what he does for this company..."I'd like to take some of your vitals. If that's okay with you?"

What would he need those for? Isn't it a little late for some kind of physical? "Yeah....sure", I say, not knowing what else there is to say. This is starting to get a little bit weird...

And once Mr Rom starts taking my blood pressure, and I see Mr Alpert standing over a drink that he put....something into, this gets too weird for me to take without asking questions. "What is that?"

"That is orange juice...with a considerable amount of tranquilizer mixed in."

Okay, not even Edmond's company used tranquilizer....I'd only thought in the back of my mind that I shouldn't go, now I'm getting more convinced that it should be in the front of my mind.

"You're going to want to be asleep for the trip, Dr. Burke."

"It can be kind of intense." Okay, that smile Mr Rom used, and the fact I need to be asleep for a trip...that's finally pushing it.

"Uh...okay. I was fine with signing all of your paperwork, fine with agreeing to not talk to anyone in my life for 6 months, fine with the fact that no one in the medical community has ever heard of Mittlose Bioscience..."

"Well...why were you fine?" I wasn't finished yet...what's he getting at here?

"Wh..why were you fine with those things? It seems like quite a leap for a job opportunity. I mean, we're not paying you that much."

Even I don't know that....and it almost looks like he knows that, or else he wouldn't have asked. Now I have nothing to say...

"I think you're fine because deep down, part of you knows that the place we're taking you too is special."

He used that word in our first interview...I've rarely heard that word used towards me in years, and now this. "Special, huh?"

"Let me ask you something, Juliet. You took a woman, your own sister, whose reproductive system was ravaged by chemotherapy, who was...sterile, and you made her pregnant." I don't know where he's getting at, saying things I already know pretty well about.

"You created life where life wasn't supposed to be. That's a gift, Juliet. You have a gift."

This might mean nothing to people who really have gifts...but to someone in my position, with my life, and my experiences....it means more than it probably really should.

"Now, don't you feel you're meant to do something significant with it? Where we're going, you can do just that."

After I stop my insides from shaking, I get enough sense to see an opportunity to get a burning question answered. "Where exactly are we going?"

"I can't tell you that. What I can tell you is that...you'll see things there that you never imagined."

What the hell could be like that? We already went over that it's not Portland...it's become apperant few people, if any, know about a place like that or it'd be all over the news...and he's bragged for some time that this work is revolutionary. Work like that, and they want me to make history with them...me, of all people in this world...

....can I pass that up before actually seeing what the hell they're talking about?

"Now, no one is forcing you to do anything. So, if you change your mind, we're...we're happy to take you back to..."

I just resolved not to have any more doubt about this for now, and I can't give him the chance to put it back in, with my mind finally clear. So I drink his "tranquilizer" rather quickly so he doesn't have the chance.

"Um, you probably shouldn't have drunk that so fast..."

I barely hear any other sounds after that....
*****************************************
Where am I now...

It's....red...

The ceiling's only inches above me...

Why can't I move my hands to touch it?

Why are all my limbs tied down?!

What is this place?! What did they do to me?! I've gotta call for help...but I can't even talk! What's-

"Morning." Mr Rom?! I still can't get my mouth to talk- or even yell, which is what I still want to do.

"No no no. It's ok. You'll be hoarse for a few hours but it gets better as the day goes on." How reassuring...

"Sorry I had to strap you in, but the last leg is always a little bumpy." I barely even know what I'm even in right now, so I have no way of knowing if that's true. I need to actually see for myself. "Watch your head! Give me your hand."

After I see some of my stuff and get it, I let Mr Rom lead me down....what I can almost recognize as a submarine. So, this place probably isn't in America...are we going to Asia or somewhere in the Far East?

"We're here!"

I finally find enough strength to speak out loud, though even saying the words "Here, where?" is a challenge.

He points for me to look up...and I'm almost blinded by the sun and sky coming out of a hatch above me.

I climb up, and am still barely able to stand up as I get on the deck....the light's still too much....what place could be this sunny?

I get up...I turn....and what I see stuns me to my core.

I....I thought there weren't places that looked this beautiful anymore..

Is this an island? Those mountains, those trees....where could a place like this exist?

I thought we were going to some kind of city with labs and buildings and scientific equipment all over the place...nothing like this. And...this is where they want me to stay?

What words are there to say for this...I don't even know what mood I should be in.

"Hello Dr. Burke."

And then, I see a man coming to me.

I thought there would be doctors and lab workers, but this....this looks like a ordinary person, wearing ordinary clothing. He doesn't have a suit like Mr Alpert, or a odd look in the eyes like Mr Rom...he actually looks normal. And unlike Mr Alpert or Mr Rom, he has a real pleasent smile as he looks at me.

"My name is Benjamin Linus."

He didn't even say he was a doctor...is he some kind of greeter, or spokesperson for the workers here? Or someone more important?

My head is still spinning as he holds out his hand, still wearing a smile- one that's not slimy or excessively happy, but one that almost looks just right. He doesn't look as business like as the others- so maybe he'll actually be able to give me real answers about all this, now that I'm here.

Not wanting to seem rude, I shake his hand in greeting.

"I'm really looking forward to working with you. Watch your step here."

Yes, I'm gonna need to come down on the ground...whatever the ground is around here. Once I'm on the dock, I walk closer to this...island with this Mr Linus. I have no clue what to think or say, or even an idea of what's supposed to happen to me here...

...maybe if I start talking to Mr Linus, he'll actually be straight enough to clear things up for me.
********************************************
6 months later...

Come on....come on!

There must be something we haven't tried yet...something that'll work for her that we couldn't find for the others. Anything!

"She's gone, Juliet. She's dead."

Ethan's words don't get through for a second....and when they do, I realize I've failed again....

I can't take this anymore...nothing we're doing now is working. All that's left are my other ideas, and there's no way Ben will accept them....no way he should even be able to keep me-

"Hey, it's okay. You tried. Why don't you go ahead and take off. I'll talk to Ben."

His words get me through the now traditional first moments of dealing with a woman's death. At the least, they fill me with some comfort during the time I head for the beach.

I look at the waves coming in, but they subdue long enough for me to hear footsteps in a few minutes. I don't need to turn around to know who it is. After all this time, I'd recognize his footsteps and signs that he was coming even if I didn't know he wanted to talk to me.

"It was Sabine's choice to get pregnant. She knew she was taking a risk."

Benjamin sits next to me, offering company and some traces of sympathy on his face. I know he's gotten tired of repeating this thing as well, and I know how important this is to him...maybe more than his friends do. So if this means so much, then maybe he'll be in a position to listen to my ideas and theories now.

"I think it happens at conception. And if that's the case there's nothing I can do about it. At least not here."

"I'm not sure I understand." he says. I'm sure he actually does, but he doesn't want to admit it just yet- he's cagey that way. "The only way to see if I'm right is to take a woman off the island, back to Miami..."

"You're not taking anybody off the island."

He says this too forcefully for me to think he can be budged. It makes little sense to me...but it also means that I have to say the other alternative. That may not make him very happy either, but it has to be said now, before things get more complicated.

"In that case, there's nothing more I can do. I know you put a lot of faith in me, Ben. And I'm sorry I couldn't help you." Luckly, I'm used to the feeling of disappointment and letting people down, so I know how to best deal with it- I hope he does, too. "My sister's giving birth...in three months...and I haven't even been able to call her. It's time for me to go home."

I walk away, hoping that'll get the point across to him, and thinking that maybe I can start packing my things when I get back. There really is no other opinion- I signed on for 6 months, regardless of the results, and they're up. Any attempt to keep me here longer would violate the deal, and would make Ben a liar. I know he values the value of his word too much for that. So he has no choice here but to let me go.

"Your sister won't be giving birth in three months, Juliet. She'll be dead before then. Her cancer is back."

.....no. Ben is not that heartless to make that up...but he can't be telling the truth.

He hands me documents, and I look them over....they look real. If it was a forgery, it'd be a lot more obvious...all of this information looks just like Rachel's. Everything looks like it's listing information about her that's completly accurate...and it's explaination of how she's dying looks air tight too. But...

"Where did you get this?"

"Mikhail." That probably confirms it- I know how he has almost limitless ways of finding out what happens outside of here... "I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. I just didn't see what good it would do..."

He can't be that stupid. And how dare he act like it now!

"What good it would do?! I could have gone home! I could have been with her!" What the hell have you done- did you keep me here even though it may have made sure she'd die?! Her and the baby?!

"You still can. You can go home, Juliet. Be with her in her final days. Or you can stay here and help me with our problem."

After what you just told me, why would I care about that now? He has to know I'd ask that, so what in the world is he getting at?! How can he make me stay and let Rachel die now?! "Why would I stay?"

"Because if you do, I will cure your sister's cancer."

He can't expect that that claim is gonna make me feel better. He can't expect me to believe that. He can't expect me to take that chance with her life! "I'm supposed to take that on faith?"

"You've been here for 6 months. You've done extensive workups on all of us. Have you seen even a trace of cancer?" That's true....an island where no one gets cancer or gives birth...without these six months, that wouldn't have seemed remotely possible to me. But still...

"That's here! And being that you won't let me bring my sister here I'm going to need more..."

"Jacob said he would take care of it himself!"

I know enough to know what that could mean...."Unless, of course, you don't have faith in him."

I know enough to know that would be foolish...but can I gamble her life with that?

"Every woman on this island needs you. If you choose to stay...I promise you, we will save Rachel's life."

Can I really believe him? He hasn't lied to me before...he'd have to have low character to do it now, with Rachel's life at stake....should I keep having trust in him?

Should I really put stranger's lifes ahead of hers? But if doing that saves her...how can I not, and how can I not take the change he's telling the complete truth?

Is there even a choice, considering it that way? Maybe not....
*********************************************
2 1/2 years later...

"Where are you?"

His soothing voice snaps me out of my little ice cream fueled, naked in bed imagination. "In bed, with you."

"Uh huh. And where were you?" I play along as I get some ice cream set for him. "I was just realizing...that tomorrow I will have been on this island for three years."

Thanks to him, it almost doesn't feel that long- and I would have never guessed that after the first six months...and after other things.

"Well...then I'd better bake a cake." he goes on as he kisses me and I join it- almost right on time, before we do any more, I hear a knock.

Later on, after I take care of that and review the contents of what I was given, I almost think I can't be reading them right...

"What have you got there?" This time I don't bother to look at him...Karl couldn't have gotten this wrong, he's too skilled. "Karl developed some x-rays for me."

"What's wrong?"

If this is exactly what I fear....then it's everything possible.

If it's....even after he...

I'm not waiting another minute to clear this up.

I ignore the noise outside and everyone talking and head right for the house. I know he's in there doing his morning reading, so he should be awake enough to give me a straight answer for this. And if not, I'm not leaving until he is.

Before I get to the door, I let my nerves slow down, since I need to tell him this calmly. I still somewhat owe him the benefit of the doubt- at least until I see how he reacts to this and what excuses he might have. Once I'm calm enough, he answers the door, and I head in after we greet each other.

"I was just finishing Carrie. Still don't know why you picked it, but boy is it depressing." The book club tomorrow doesn't seem as important now.

"You have a tumor."

He looks stunned, but anyone would at first. I won't be able to judge this until I explain further. "When you told me about your back pain I said that I would take some x-rays to see if it was a small fracture or a herniated disk...but that's not your problem."

I hand him the x-ray and give him a second to look over it, to know this isn't a joke. "Your problem is a large tumor surrounding your L-4 vertebrae."

I don't need to actually say the c word to him- he knows what it is and he knows I know it. Now, he doesn't just look shocked, he looks scared...and that's something I've almost never seen from this man.

And that confirms my darkest, worst fears.

"You're surprised."

"Well, you just told me that I have cancer, Juliet, of course I'm surprised."

That clinches it. "No, I told you that you have a tumor."

He walks away, and I don't think he's doing it on accident.

Now that I know what I neeeded to know, I should be enraged...and I feel that feeling is getting close to exploding. Let's see if I can keep it down for a little while longer, to get him to explain this himself.

"Why are you scared?" He denies it, although he really shouldn't be stupid enough to think he can hide it from me, of all people.

But with all the things I've just figured out he's hidden from me, maybe he does think I'm stupid....and maybe I have been.

But I'm not stupid enough to let him get away with this without some answers.

"Why are you scared, Ben? You said no one on this island ever had cancer. You told me that."

"I know what I told you, Juliet." And I do too- and that's why you've left me no choice but to believe you robbed me of three years of my life! And...and...and let Rachel...

"You told me you could fix it! You said that! You said that you cured my sister! You lied to me!"

Now he turns around- I know what accusing him of lying does to him, and I counted on that here. "No I did not lie to you."

"If you can cure cancer, Ben, then why do you have it?!"

I wait for him to answer....he's always so quick with a retort. Always so quick to plan something. Always so quick to know everything and know how to use and play with people. I saw it for years, and yet I never thought he could have done this....not to me....but look at him. He's so shocked because he knows I caught him in the lie. For once, he didn't plan ahead...because he probably thought I would never find out. He really must think I'm an idiot...and I was one to ever believe him all those years ago.

Like I was one to let myself come here to begin with...well, answer me!

"I don't know..."

That does it.

In lue of hitting him, I hit his glass, and advance on him in a way I never thought was in me, and he probably never thought either. But he's not getting away....he doesn't do what he did to me, and her, without paying the penalty. But if there's a way he can defend himself...a way to prove he's not lying...he's telling me right now!

"I want to talk to her. I want to talk to Rachel! I want to talk to her, now!!"

"It's not gonna happen, Juliet, but I can promise you that Rachel is fine."

Then that's it....he's lied about everything....

I don't care if I cry through it, I'm still telling him what he really is...

"You...never cured her!"

"I did!"

"You're a liar!!"

"No, Juliet!"

Yes!

"YOU LIED TO ME!!!"

"I told you the truth!!"

He's not budging....is he that good of a liar, or....how can I know? How can I know anything about him, or me, or my life, or her's, or anything now....

"I gave you my word..."

I lean my face on the shoulder I should be slapping away right now...I don't have any restraint over any of my feeling anymore.

I'm surprised I even have the strength to say these words..."I want to go home. I want to go home, Ben. Please. Can't you please just let me go home?"

I cry for the next 5 minutes straight after hearing his answer.

"No."